the old magic that roars

“Shall I reveal what really happened that night thirteen years ago?” asks Voldemort. “Shall I divulge how I truly lost my powers? It was love. You see, when dear, sweet Lily Potter gave her life for her only son, she provided the ultimate protection. I could not touch him. It was old magic—something I should have foreseen.”   JK Rowling

*****

This morning I woke up to an echo from the ROAR that screamed through my fingertips last mothers day.  My three lovely boys burst into my room, proud as peacocks, with breakfast for me made only by them.

One of them might have asked me last night to get the pancake recipe out for him because "he might be hungry for pancakes tomorrow."  Two of them were nursing burns from the pan.  All three of them smiled as they delivered the meal and their sweet cards.

Have I told you I love being a mother?  Why?  Because as confused as I seem about life and purposes, and why and when and who and how...when you are diagnosed with a life threatening illness-or maybe something else big startles you, or you may be lucky enough to happen by it slowly and gently-but when you are awakened, you realize what you want out of life.  In life.  Because of life.  You know what you want by the time you die.  You figure it out quickly in the face of death.

That is one blessing of cancer. 

It has a way of teaching you what is important.  Or maybe it just reminds you.  Because as soon as you get diagnosed, or soon after, you know, or maybe you always have, you just haven't put everything together.

I have a Celine Dion song on my playlist that I found this year when I was training for my race.  I ran to it when I felt like slowing down.  It does not have a fast beat, but I couldn't help but run with all my heart with it pumping in my headphones.  I am putting the lyrics here, but you need listen to it.  Like it was written and sung from a woman in just my situation.  It is so super over-the-top desperate (perfect)!!!

I played it again and again when I really felt like I was dying one night on IL-2.  And it kept me going.

I really wish I could share the actual song, because you have to sing liiiiiiiiive like you really mean it.  But try and imagine.

A million stars light
This beautiful night
This is not a night to die
Let me sing and dance
Beneath the sky
I have such love to give...to give
I want a chance to live

Live
For the one I love
Love
As no one has loved
Give
Asking nothing in return

Free free to find my way
Free to have my say
Free to see the day

Be like I used to be
Like a wild bird free
With all of life in me

Live
For the one I love
Love
As no one has loved
Give
Asking nothing in return

Though this world tears us apart
We're still together in my heart
I want the world to hear my cry
Even if I have to die
Love will not die
Love will change the world

Live
For the one I love
Love
As no one has loved
Give
Asking nothing in return

I'll love until love wears me away
I'll die and I know my love will stay
And I know... I know my love will stay


There are so many things I don't really want any more.  I don't really want to care about appearances, or money, or where I'm going to be in 10 years, or how much I weigh, or what kind of car I drive, or what my kid's test scores are.  I don't really want a day off, or a pedicure, or nice car, or a big house, or even a clean house.  I would take all of these things, don't get me wrong.  But who really cares when all is said and done?   Pretty sure I'm not going to spend too much time worrying about that stuff.

I just want to give.  I want to live for Josh.  And James.  And Sam.  And Luke.

It's a Christ-like love.  Giving, asking nothing in return.  That is what I want.  I want to give.  I want to love.  That is why I want to live.

I bet if you look deep enough you will find that same desire.

Right now I talk about being a mother, because for me is the best way to give this kind of love, and it's Mother's day.  But everyone has their own purpose, and people to serve.

Sometimes you might ask as a mother,  Why?  Why am I doing this?  How?  How can I do this?    Because you need to.  Because you can.   And I'm guessing, because you want to.   Because once you were once sparked with the old magic.  Maybe that first time you were put into your own mother's arms the incredible love that makes the world keep going sparked you with the same unselfish desires and instincts.

Isn't it wonderful?  To have, or have had someone who (deep deep down) loves you always.  Someone who would do anything for you.  Although maybe she can't.  A love so pure and simple, deep and strong, that it never changes.  To have someone who will be with you no matter what.  If you are born imperfect, you are loved perfectly.  If you become imperfect along the way, if you do not live up to your mother's dreams, you are still what she dreams about and concerns herself with. She doesn't give up on you.  Cheers you on even if you are last in the race.  Especially if you are last.

And expression is only part of this love.  I know my kids love me equally.  But Luke is the only one young enough still to just let it pour from his heart to his mouth to my ears (you get to read a sample of it on my blog).  Sam used to, and even once James.  Luke I can fit in my lap.  Sam can fall asleep on my shoulder.  I can't hold them like I used to in a rocker and kiss their faces and blow on their tummies.  I can't even keep them right next to me all the time anymore. 

Even if...even if we can't be in the 'same spot.'  I know my love will stay with my boys. 

I know because I have felt love's scope these last couple months.  And it's longer than time, and deeper than space.

It's magic I'm only beginning to understand.  But not one bit afraid to use.

Take that cancer!

******

  "He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign ... to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever."   JK Rowling