big week

Today I go in for scans.  I won't find out the results until Friday, when I fly back to Florida.

I was so hopeful when we started this drug.  Now I'm not so sure.  The armpit in my tumor (I just went to erase that error, but figured that's kind of what's going on here) continues to grow.  I now have some numbness in my upper arm, and it zings every now and then with certain movements  (mostly when I'm loading the dishwasher-should I stop?).  I'm sure it's pressing on a nerve.  And at what point are we going to have to take action (surgery or radiation)?

The rules are that these scans have to show less than 25% growth of overall tumor burden to continue the trial.  I am planning it.  Not sure what we would do if I get kicked off, I guess it depends on where the cancer is (I'm sure anything in the brain will disqualify me as well).

The good news is, there has been no pain since it went away that first dose.  These two tumors in the armpit shrunk most definitely and quickly after the first dose, but have now grown back to original size, or possibly bigger.  I haven't felt anything new pop up.  So that is also good.  Who knows?

I will for sure let you know.  Thank you for all your thoughts and lovely prayers.  I am sorry to have neglected my blog.  I admit to falling into some sort of semi-depression lately.  But physically I feel good.  Tired, but at the end of the day that's hard to complain about.

Mostly I'm just scared.  Sure I put on a happy face while I put Luke to bed, but when he goes to the kitchen for a drink I sob ugly sounds in the dent where is warm body has just been.  My sweet little boys!  And then just as suddenly, I have to pull myself together when he climbs back in.  This is the double life I live.  How long can I keep this up?  And which life will win in the end?