Scans were fast today. No Dr.s coming in to consult. No techs changing my position. When there has been question I have had at least some sort of delay. I am going to take this as a really good sign, and hope there is nothing to talk to Dr. about on Wednesday. I will for sure keep you posted after my appointment.
All of Steven's tests this week looked good! We are so thrilled about it.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
scan week
The blog has been neglected lately. I thought I would be better at keeping it up with the kids in school, but it hasn't helped much. Hopefully I can start making time for it. I just posted about Steven's chemo completion. We celebrated this weekend with a lovely trip to Yellowstone that I will have to share ASAP.
This week Steven and I have our every 3 month scans. Steven's are tomorrow and mine are on Friday. I haven't had much time to stress about it. There are certainly some moments of panic when I think about how everything could change so quickly. But mostly, I just want to get them over with and enjoy the holiday season until we have to do this all over again. I am trying to read into the fact that the same day we get results (the 2nd) we fly out to Disney World to play while Josh attends a conference. Hoping it will be another celebration trip!
This week Steven and I have our every 3 month scans. Steven's are tomorrow and mine are on Friday. I haven't had much time to stress about it. There are certainly some moments of panic when I think about how everything could change so quickly. But mostly, I just want to get them over with and enjoy the holiday season until we have to do this all over again. I am trying to read into the fact that the same day we get results (the 2nd) we fly out to Disney World to play while Josh attends a conference. Hoping it will be another celebration trip!
Friday, October 7, 2011
last day of chemo
Very emotional today as my nephew was sung the "Happy Last Day of Chemo" song by the nurses on his unit.
I cried because I am so proud of him. Because he was such a trooper. Because he has a great future ahead of him.
I cried because he will have to use crutches to walk to his car. I cried because he can't have his leg back.
I cried because his family will now get to go back to a somewhat normal life. I cried because people think you can go back to a normal life, but I know it will be hard to find normal again.
I cried because I am so happy for them. Because they can close this chapter. I cried because I'm so sad for them. That they ever had to get mixed up in this mess.
I cried because it's not fair. Because life can be so hard.
I cried because there is such a thing as cancer. I cried because anyone has to have chemo ever. I cried because I can't have any chemo.
I cried because once they sang the song to me. I cried then too, although I didn't know why I was crying.
But mostly I cried because my sister cried. Because she has had to deal with this for such a long time. And she will be dealing with cancer and it's after effects for a long time. I cried because she has been so strong. And just because I love her.
So many reasons to cry today. But HOORAY the chemo is over!
I cried because I am so proud of him. Because he was such a trooper. Because he has a great future ahead of him.
I cried because he will have to use crutches to walk to his car. I cried because he can't have his leg back.
I cried because his family will now get to go back to a somewhat normal life. I cried because people think you can go back to a normal life, but I know it will be hard to find normal again.
I cried because I am so happy for them. Because they can close this chapter. I cried because I'm so sad for them. That they ever had to get mixed up in this mess.
I cried because it's not fair. Because life can be so hard.
I cried because there is such a thing as cancer. I cried because anyone has to have chemo ever. I cried because I can't have any chemo.
I cried because once they sang the song to me. I cried then too, although I didn't know why I was crying.
But mostly I cried because my sister cried. Because she has had to deal with this for such a long time. And she will be dealing with cancer and it's after effects for a long time. I cried because she has been so strong. And just because I love her.
So many reasons to cry today. But HOORAY the chemo is over!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
there is a season
I am a little conflicted to see the seasons change this year. I think of last year at this time I had been craving some big change. You know that feeling? I just felt something had to happen. The biggest change I could think of was a move. Like out-of-the-state kind of move. We tried a couple of things with Josh's company, but neither or them worked out. I tried my best to talk him into Singapore. I was serious and restless.
Now I would be so happy to keep everything the same. Just the same. No one grow up, no one move on. Where is the pause button? I want to push it in September.
But October has made such a good first impression on me!
I have been a distracted driver this week as I can't keep my eyes off these beautiful mountains! "What is going on up there?!" I kept asking the kids.
Finally tonight I got to go up and see what it was all about. Wow. Imagine this: Below me to my right, snow melting slowly into a field of wildflowers. In the distance mountains saturated in the colors of fall. A mountain goat grazes and above him, a double rainbow. To my left I watch the sun sinking on the valley where I live, spilling it's light through rain and rainclouds. The lake is shining and the valley is still green. There is thunder echoing through the skies. It was like I had all the seasons together in one place. A place I see from far away outside my front window every day.
It kind of made me sick that I could have ever been unhappy here.
It's interesting how I have changed since last year. I got to learn all the lessons cancer taught me the first time, again. And they were even more powerful. Even though I'm in the same state, same city, same house...I am in a different place. A really, really good place. Hope I can get some time to explain why I think this is the case.
October is of course the month of my next scans. The date is set for the 28th. I have an appointment with the Dr. November 2nd to get the results (no more waiting for phone calls for me).
I wondered how I would be at this point. Everyone I read about on the internet that has gone through the 'watch and wait' approach seem to agree that "You get used to it." I thought that meant that I would get used to being sad and anxious. I was so wrong. I am hardly ever sad and only rarely worry anymore. And yes, that's pretty easy to get used to.
Now I would be so happy to keep everything the same. Just the same. No one grow up, no one move on. Where is the pause button? I want to push it in September.
But October has made such a good first impression on me!
I have been a distracted driver this week as I can't keep my eyes off these beautiful mountains! "What is going on up there?!" I kept asking the kids.
Finally tonight I got to go up and see what it was all about. Wow. Imagine this: Below me to my right, snow melting slowly into a field of wildflowers. In the distance mountains saturated in the colors of fall. A mountain goat grazes and above him, a double rainbow. To my left I watch the sun sinking on the valley where I live, spilling it's light through rain and rainclouds. The lake is shining and the valley is still green. There is thunder echoing through the skies. It was like I had all the seasons together in one place. A place I see from far away outside my front window every day.
It kind of made me sick that I could have ever been unhappy here.
It's interesting how I have changed since last year. I got to learn all the lessons cancer taught me the first time, again. And they were even more powerful. Even though I'm in the same state, same city, same house...I am in a different place. A really, really good place. Hope I can get some time to explain why I think this is the case.
October is of course the month of my next scans. The date is set for the 28th. I have an appointment with the Dr. November 2nd to get the results (no more waiting for phone calls for me).
I wondered how I would be at this point. Everyone I read about on the internet that has gone through the 'watch and wait' approach seem to agree that "You get used to it." I thought that meant that I would get used to being sad and anxious. I was so wrong. I am hardly ever sad and only rarely worry anymore. And yes, that's pretty easy to get used to.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
fate is kind...right?
Kind of an anniversary of sorts. September 21st. In 2007 it was the day I found out my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and was considered serious. Saddest day. In 2010 it was the day they gave me a clean bill of health. Happiest day.
I can't even describe the high I was on. I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do, nothing I wouldn't do, nothing to hold me back, ever again. Like I had all the time in the world.
Well, if nothing else, I lived like that for 6 glorious months. I hope I get to do that again.
My family puts on a little film festival this time every year and my entry was going to be a cute little show of our cancer free celebration at Disneyland.
My story book ending.
Of course I didn't expect the evil villain cancer show up again. BOOOO!!!
The little part I talk to the kids on the couch is a year ago today. I love their reactions to the news. I get a weak cheer for the no cancer news, but watch them light up at the mention of Disneyland. I also love their personalities reacting to the news. James, who would plug his ears when he was 6 at any mention of cancer, is maybe the only one that really gets what any of this means. He thinks about it silently, hiding his face so we won't see any tears. Luke, who insists on buttoning up his polo and tucking in his shirts, is worried about missing school. Sam's shirt is nowhere to be seen and he is ready to take off with the plane today. Are you kidding him? "Who cares? Let's go to Disneyland today!" Love my little guys!
I can't even describe the high I was on. I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do, nothing I wouldn't do, nothing to hold me back, ever again. Like I had all the time in the world.
Well, if nothing else, I lived like that for 6 glorious months. I hope I get to do that again.
My family puts on a little film festival this time every year and my entry was going to be a cute little show of our cancer free celebration at Disneyland.
My story book ending.
Of course I didn't expect the evil villain cancer show up again. BOOOO!!!
The little part I talk to the kids on the couch is a year ago today. I love their reactions to the news. I get a weak cheer for the no cancer news, but watch them light up at the mention of Disneyland. I also love their personalities reacting to the news. James, who would plug his ears when he was 6 at any mention of cancer, is maybe the only one that really gets what any of this means. He thinks about it silently, hiding his face so we won't see any tears. Luke, who insists on buttoning up his polo and tucking in his shirts, is worried about missing school. Sam's shirt is nowhere to be seen and he is ready to take off with the plane today. Are you kidding him? "Who cares? Let's go to Disneyland today!" Love my little guys!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
i will never forget
One decade ago I was in a dental chair getting a root canal, listening to the radio as the twin towers fell. Confused, shocked, horrified, and really very sad, I went home to my 6 month old. I wanted to hold him forever. I wondered what kind of world I had brought him into.
But stories of heroism and patriotism started coming out. And the country softened. And we turned to God, and to our neighbors. And we were unified.
And the more I learned, the more I felt, the more I knew what kind of world this baby came into. One with fear and hatred, yes. But also one with hope and love, beauty and kindness.
One I couldn't wait to show him.
But stories of heroism and patriotism started coming out. And the country softened. And we turned to God, and to our neighbors. And we were unified.
And the more I learned, the more I felt, the more I knew what kind of world this baby came into. One with fear and hatred, yes. But also one with hope and love, beauty and kindness.
One I couldn't wait to show him.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
totally convinced
And suddenly…it’s September.
The beginning of a new chapter. One I knew was coming and have been dreading. It’s called “All the Kids in School”. The baby is in first grade now. So crazy.
That first morning we were all in a rush to get the right things in the right places at the right time. We made it out the door with maybe one minute to spare.
Time for the required and unpopular first day of school picture. I lined them up. Focused them in the viewfinder. It got quiet, everyone froze. All the hurry left me as I stared in awe at my little boys. They stood together, tall and wise and ready to move on. Behind them was the the house they had all grown up in. The one they had all been babies in and totally mine. The one that was constantly littered with laundry and laughter and lullabys. I thought of how older people would stop me in the grocery store or at a restaurant when I was wrestling with 3 preschoolers and have the nerve to say “These are the best years of your life, you know.” How I smiled politely but didn’t for a second think they could be serious. It’s because they dont’t remember I would say under my breath.
"Okay guys, smile!" "Sam! Stop making that face." "Let's try again." "Wait, can we get in some shade?" "Much better." "Luke I want to see some teeth."
"We are going to be late now, mom."
"Alright, yes. You better hurry."
They took off across the street with backpacks too big for their bodies, laughing and running to the bus.
If they would have turned around just then they would have seen their mom frozen in the yard, lost deep in thought. I am having flashbacks. I am feeling again the excitement of a first step, smelling a newborn after a bath, hearing the sweet little sentences only a three year old can compose, enjoying the peace of nursing a chubby baby to sleep in the dark, tasting the wet kisses of three little mouths in the morning. And then a bit of brilliance lights up my face. Because at that moment, as the boys turn the corner and are out of sight, I finally get it. I get what those strangers who have raised kids were saying. And it's not because they had forgotten. It’s because they remembered.
If a little family full of busy preschoolers and babies (we got lots of those in the neighborhood) would have walked by just then, I would have laughed at a sudden outburst by their 2 year old and said, totally convinced, “Oh, you are so lucky! These are some of the best years of your life.”
The beginning of a new chapter. One I knew was coming and have been dreading. It’s called “All the Kids in School”. The baby is in first grade now. So crazy.
That first morning we were all in a rush to get the right things in the right places at the right time. We made it out the door with maybe one minute to spare.
Time for the required and unpopular first day of school picture. I lined them up. Focused them in the viewfinder. It got quiet, everyone froze. All the hurry left me as I stared in awe at my little boys. They stood together, tall and wise and ready to move on. Behind them was the the house they had all grown up in. The one they had all been babies in and totally mine. The one that was constantly littered with laundry and laughter and lullabys. I thought of how older people would stop me in the grocery store or at a restaurant when I was wrestling with 3 preschoolers and have the nerve to say “These are the best years of your life, you know.” How I smiled politely but didn’t for a second think they could be serious. It’s because they dont’t remember I would say under my breath.
"Okay guys, smile!" "Sam! Stop making that face." "Let's try again." "Wait, can we get in some shade?" "Much better." "Luke I want to see some teeth."
"We are going to be late now, mom."
"Alright, yes. You better hurry."
They took off across the street with backpacks too big for their bodies, laughing and running to the bus.
If they would have turned around just then they would have seen their mom frozen in the yard, lost deep in thought. I am having flashbacks. I am feeling again the excitement of a first step, smelling a newborn after a bath, hearing the sweet little sentences only a three year old can compose, enjoying the peace of nursing a chubby baby to sleep in the dark, tasting the wet kisses of three little mouths in the morning. And then a bit of brilliance lights up my face. Because at that moment, as the boys turn the corner and are out of sight, I finally get it. I get what those strangers who have raised kids were saying. And it's not because they had forgotten. It’s because they remembered.
If a little family full of busy preschoolers and babies (we got lots of those in the neighborhood) would have walked by just then, I would have laughed at a sudden outburst by their 2 year old and said, totally convinced, “Oh, you are so lucky! These are some of the best years of your life.”
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