Yesterday our lives changed.
I should have known it was coming, but something inside fights with ideas like these.
The biggest indicator was pain. Pain that came all of the sudden to my back and lingered through sleepless nights.
It's a familiar pain. We have always been able to get rid of this. Nothing to see here, folks.
Except when they looked with an x-ray machine there was a lot to see. Tumors all over the abdomen, in fact.
Carcinamatosis is what they wrote on my report.
So now what? My oncologist called today with a treatment plan to start chemotherapy on Tuesday. A relatively easy chemotherapy. You get it at the hospital over a few hours then you go home to suffer the consequences.
Hospice was whispered around the room yesterday. The word is a whisper.
If I go that route I do not feel like I gave up. To just be sicker longer may not be on my bucket list. If the chemo doesn't offer a cure...I don't know. We've blown through all my long term response options.
I am scared to suffer. I don't remember much of my hospital stay this year, my family says I was indeed suffering, but I think my subconscious has details because I cry when I think of pain and uncontrolled nausea and other unpleasantries.
The way out is through. Isn't it crazy that everyone on this earth will have to die at some point? You pray it happens while you sleep, but for the rest of us, we participate.
Miracles have happened on this journey. Although I love the tumor melting kind of miracle we have been able to produce so far-the miracle of eternity and everlasting life lies before me just the same.
Pray that I can somehow come to terms with the terms of my little life.
Pray that I can endure to the end. May it be miles and miles away, but if it finds me sooner...