Thursday, March 26, 2015

Yesterday our lives changed.  

I should have known it was coming, but something inside fights with ideas like these.  

The biggest indicator was pain.  Pain that came all of the sudden to my back and lingered through sleepless nights.  

It's a familiar pain.  We have always been able to get rid of this.  Nothing to see here, folks.

Except when they looked with an x-ray machine there was a lot to see.  Tumors all over the abdomen, in fact.

Carcinamatosis is what they wrote on my report.

My report.

So now what?  My oncologist called today with a treatment plan to start chemotherapy on Tuesday.  A relatively easy chemotherapy.  You get it at the hospital over a few hours then you go home to suffer the consequences.

Hospice was whispered around the room yesterday.  The word is a whisper. 

If I go that route I do not feel like I gave up.  To just be sicker longer may not be on my bucket list.  If the chemo doesn't offer a cure...I don't know.  We've blown through all my long term response options.

I am scared to suffer.  I don't remember much of my hospital stay this year, my family says I was indeed suffering, but I think my subconscious has details because I cry when I think of pain and uncontrolled nausea and other unpleasantries.  

The way out is through.  Isn't it crazy that everyone on this earth will have to die at some point?  You pray it happens while you sleep, but for the rest of us, we participate.

Miracles have happened on this journey.  Although I love the tumor melting kind of miracle we have been able to produce so far-the miracle of eternity and everlasting life lies before me just the same.  

Pray that I can somehow come to terms with the terms of my little life.  

Pray that I can endure to the end.  May it be miles and miles away, but if it finds me sooner...






44 comments:

  1. All of our lives changed too, Alisa. We hope and pray your road is long and pleasant. We are with you no matter what. I love you.

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  2. Heartbreakingly beautiful. And just plain heartbreaking.

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  4. Oh Alisa. It is heartbreaking. I was listening this week on a walk to Krista Tippet's On Being program. She was talking to Eve Ensler who said this about her cancer:

    "What if our lives were precious only up to a point? What if we held them loosely and understood that there were no guarantees? So that when you got sick, you weren't a stage, but in a process. And cancer was a process, just like having your heart broken or getting a new job or going to school or becoming a teacher? What if rather than being cast out and defined by some terminal category you were identified as someone in the middle of a transformation that could deepen your soul, open your heart and all the while even if and particularly when you were dying, you would be supported by and be part of a community? And what if each of these things were what we are waiting for?”

    Thank you for sharing your process with me. I love you.

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  5. Good luck, Alisa, I love and miss you. You are amazing. Families are forever.

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  6. I love you, best friend. I don't want you to be scared or in pain anymore. I am praying for clarity, strength, peace and comfort. I know you will get it. ❤👭

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  7. Oh Alisa, this brought me to tears...you are so courageous and truly a warrior. I will continue to pray for you and may your time be long and with little suffering. I love you, sweet, beautiful friend.

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  8. Oh my sweet beautiful friend, sorry seems so inadequate. How I wish the "tumor melting" prayers would have been answered. We have been and will continue to pray for you to have strength, to enjoy the time with Josh and your sweet boys, and to have as much time as possible. You have taught me so much through your courageous fight. I can't help but think, "because I know you I have been changed for the better." The world is just a better place with you in it. Know that our love and prayers are with you always.

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  9. Praying for you to have peace, comfort, and clarity! We love you and your family!

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  10. We truly have seen miracles. But honestly, I think YOU are the most impressive miracle of all. Somehow you have gone through all of this with faith and kindness and so much tenacity. You've balanced being hopeful yet realistic, you've been caring and thoughtful even while you were suffering. Thank you for sharing your best and your worst times with all of us. You have changed us and taught us how to continue on when times are hard. Our lives are richer and better because of you. And that is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you. We love you so much!

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  11. Alisa - I don't know what to say except that I love you and I am praying for you. This is a hard blow.

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  12. Alisa, I have not followed your journey for a long time, but please know that you have become a part of my life. I feel it a privilege to have even glimpsed the amazing, strong and courageous person you are. I wish I had words to speak that matched my feelings at this moment.

    Whenever the time comes, I pray that it will be gentle; I have no doubt that you know of Father's love for you and your family. May God bless you each and every moment. You are in my prayers and in my heart.

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  13. We love you and are continuing to pray for you and Josh and the boys.

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  14. Oh my beautiful, sweet little sister. I once thought I had cried most of my tears but today I found I had a whole lot more left in me. I can't imagine my life or this world without you in it. You mean so much to me and I want you here as long as God and modern medicine will allow. But I also hate to see you hurting so badly. Whatever you decide you will have my support and always, always, always you will have my love.

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  15. Ahhh, my dear friend I have only met once! You have changed me...for good. I am better because of you. I have a little more courage as I face the beginning of what is surely a transformation for my children. I am preparing them to meet God a little sooner than I had hoped. I pray that however your story continues, you and your loving husband and courageous boys will find yourselves in moments wrapped with holiness and tender mercies as you have never felt before. I am praying that you will hear the whispering of angels and feel the watchful eye of our Savior upon you all. I love your sweet spirit and will continue to pray for all of your family. With love...Kathy Goff

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  16. Alisa and Josh,
    Sometimes life doesn't make any sense to me. This- it gets me there. Confusing to me, that a person so good and kind and beautiful and with so much to bless, to have to draw the conclusions that you have, as written in this post. The thought of my friend, my cousin whom I have stored cherished memories with, whom I have loved and admired, is wrenching. And yet, I am but a small, almost insignificant part of your beautifully lived, faithfully fought, and victoriously accomplished life. You have blessed me Alisa, as I have observed prayerfully your valiant battle. If greater love hath no man than this, to lay down their life for their friends, then in your case, the laying down of life hasn't meant letting go, it has meant giving all. That is what you have taught me. You have given your all, when I would have given in long ago. Your example has drawn me closer to my Savior, closer to my wife, and closer to my children. It has brought more personal conversion and conviction than a hundred sermons. That is what greater love, your greater love, has given me. Thank you for giving it so freely to all of us who have read your own words of greater love for more than 7 years. You have so selflessly let us in to a very private journey by giving of your time, time that is so very precious, to write in your blog.
    Tonight, I will be letting Sam sleep in the middle, in honor of one of the hundreds of things you've taught me. We pray for your deserved comfort and guidance as you face each next step or decision. We love you!
    -Eric and Emily

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  17. You really are the strongest, bravest person I have ever known. Life doesn't make sense and your suffering will never make sense to me in this life, but I really do love you! We think about you all the time.

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  18. I love you Alisa. Your life is a masterpiece. My faith has been strengthened, because you have shared this journey with all of us. Thank you for being the brave, compassionate, honest, person you are. Whatever the physical outcome of this fight you are engaged in I know you will conquer with the help of our Savior.
    Love, Melissa Howell

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  19. I don't know exactly what to say. I have been one of the biggest cheerleaders on your families side. You have continued to teach so many of us through all you have gone through- a role that I am sure you don't want to have. It goes along with the hymn- each life that touches ours for good. You always put the real in every situation backed by so much faith. Prayers continue to all of you, I know anything I say will not change anything but my intent is that you know you are loved and cared for. That Josh and your boys now that they are cared for. ♥

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  20. Along with everyone else, I continue to learn so much from you! I have though about you so much and my family and I have kept you in our prayers for years. We love you and our prayers will be extra fervent for you right now.

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  21. My heart just breaks for you and all you're going through. During the past year, our family has had to go through some really life-altering hard things and as I read your blog, I was startled to realize how the experiences might be totally different but the emotions and feelings were very similar. I gained strength and insight from your brilliantly written posts. People have more in common than most realize and we need each other for support and compassion, as you've written so eloquently about. There is much good in the world, and you definitely make the world a better place. No matter the timing of the outcome, and I hope you have a lot of time left, your life has so much meaning. Thanks for touching my life. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers with much love.

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  22. Alisa, You have forever change my life for the better. I feel blessed to know you. I have always had so much admiration for the beautiful person you are inside and out. You have never given up, not once. After reading your posts I am always in awe of your faith, resilience and all the good you see the in this world. You are full of joy and happiness. It has always made me sick to see you in so much pain. I often struggle with these tragic things life has to offer, but the eternal perspective of all the good that is ahead helps me keep going. I so often break down in tears thinking of all you and your family have had to endure. My heart breaks for them. They are so blessed to have such an amazing mother, wife, sister and daughter. I hope that you and each and every one of your family members can find peace and feel our Heavenly Fathers love. Alisa, I hope it is a long time before you ever have to leave us, but if it should come sooner than we all pray for, please know how much you are loved and adored. You will be missed beyond words. Beyond words. The world will not be the same without you. Luckily, all the joy, light, and happiness that make up who you are, will remain with us forever. You have left a beautiful legacy of an amazing family, a life truly lived and many cherished memories. We had some great memories. You were always a great friend to me. I will always be so grateful for you for so many reasons. You are a wonderful example of empathy, kindness, and selflessness. Your visit, emails, gifts and notes meant so much to me after my brother passed. Heavenly Father is so proud of the person you are and the beautiful life you have lived, I just know it. I will keep praying that you will have strength beyond measure, overwhelming peace and lots and lots of time left here on this earth. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I love you.

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  23. Alisa,
    Your entry today brought tears but it also brought a warm memory of Grandpa. It was April, he was to die on May 25th, he wanted me to take him to see Dr. Hurst in Richmond because he was in a great deal of pain. I struggled to get him in the car and had a harder time getting him into the Drs. office where the dr thought his condition has deteriorated terribly. He gave him some medication to try but told him he was afraid that he would continue to go down hill and that it might be time to call in Hospice. That word was 'whispered'. He and I both thought that Grandpa might be upset by it but when I got him in the car he was very excited and happier than I had seen him in weeks. He loved the word 'hospice'. To him it meant he might be leaving this frail existence and that meant seeing grandma. "Why I might go to bed tonight and wake up in the arms of your mother!"
    When he got home he quickly called Brad and told him if he wanted to see him again he'd better fly in soon because he was dying. He was so excited he called everyone to tell them the happy news.
    By the next morning it was obvious that the medication was working and that dad was doing much better. He didn't realize it though and was still happily talking about how he didn't have much time. When Uncle Brad called I had to take the phone out of his room and down the hall and whisper to Brad that I thought dad was going to make it. We thought it was so funny that for grandpa we whispered the bad news that he wasn't dying so he wouldn't be too sad.
    I know that those you love most are still on this side of the veil so you don't have the same motivation to leave us that grandpa did. But grandpa had a way of thinking that whatever he was facing was the best thing that could be happening. When he got lost in a big city he was happy saying that it was just great getting to see this new area! He was always like that. When he finally realized that he still had some time left, he was perfectly happy about that. And he wasn't nearly as brave as you are with pain. He hated that pain and wondered why on earth he had to experience it.
    I think he had many visitors from the other side before he left. He would tell me about cousins I had never heard of and people that were dear to him that he hadn't seen in years. When you walked in the room all alone, he would show you where you could sit so all the others would still have room. He spoke so lovingly about the Lord and how he will help us with everything.
    And as far as your little life - it is full of meaning. You have done all the important things with greatness and you have influenced all of us for the good. Your words are magnificent and your example is a shining one. I love the words from the hymn, "There's surely somewhere a lowly place in earth's harvest field so wide, where I can labor through life's short day, for Jesus the Crucified" You have helped all of us draw closer to the Lord and live our lives with more courage.
    I am in the mood for miracles - so I will keep praying for them.
    Love you,
    Aunt Kathy

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  24. oh wow... ALisa... I have no words this time.... I love you, you are my hero! You have fought this far and youre going to fight some more because miracles happen everyday and in your case it will happen! LOVE and PRAYERS everyday!

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  25. I will surely pray for you to endure well Alisa. Caroline said you showed up at the sixth grade dance last week! There you have it...enduring well. In spite of not feeling up to par you have continued to nurture, and mother, and live. You know- and have taught us- how to really live, Alisa.

    Please go read the binder of letters about why we love you compiled by Lisa McArthur several years ago.

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  26. Alisa, Each comment makes me want to say "Amen" my thoughts and feelings exactly. You are constantly on my mind and ever in our prayers. I too want to thank you for sharing this journey with us. Thank you for showing us how to live, how to fight, how to love. Your life truly is a masterpiece; a wonder and beauty to behold. We love Josh and your boys as well. What a tender and inspiring thing to see how they love and care for you. Sending you unceasing love and prayers. Lorraine & Family

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  27. Noooooo! I always get nervous for bad news and anxious for good news everytime I check for updates. After following this for so long it always seems like good news just inevitably always comes. Thanks for your strength and example to us all of how to cherish life to the fullest. Loves and prayers.

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  29. Alisa, I have followed your blog for years and have never commented. Though you don't know me, I feel as though I know (and love) you. Tonight I reread many of your old posts and searched diligently for one of my favorite videos: "Grow Old Along with Me." I never found it but I remember it well as a beautiful testament to your love for Josh. Your love for your three young sons is legendary and something they will always remember. Hang in there sweet girl and know that your life has been and will continue to be important to so many ~ myself, a mere reader, included.

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  30. It's funny how something so seemingly insignificant as teaching a 9th grade girl Geometry and really liking her has reached so deeply into my life. Although I haven't seen you for many, many years, I feel like we are friends and I love you and my family loves you. My daughter is proud of the woman whose name she has. I will always remember your example when I am called upon to do hard things. Thank you to you and Josh and all your family for sharing your journey with all of us. I have learned so much from you and Josh about how to live and how to love. I pray that whatever happens, you will know how much you are loved and admired and cared for and how much you have meant to so many. And I hope that someday, my daughter Alisa, will be able to meet her namesake - she loves and admires you so much! We all need to remember that the only way is "through" - and we will all go through somehow. I only hope that I can be as valiant as you have been. Thank you for everything you have meant to me. I love you, Alisa and Josh! You are always in my prayers.

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  31. It's funny how something so seemingly insignificant as teaching a 9th grade girl Geometry and really liking her has reached so deeply into my life. Although I haven't seen you for many, many years, I feel like we are friends and I love you and my family loves you. My daughter is proud of the woman whose name she has. I will always remember your example when I am called upon to do hard things. Thank you to you and Josh and all your family for sharing your journey with all of us. I have learned so much from you and Josh about how to live and how to love. I pray that whatever happens, you will know how much you are loved and admired and cared for and how much you have meant to so many. And I hope that someday, my daughter Alisa, will be able to meet her namesake - she loves and admires you so much! We all need to remember that the only way is "through" - and we will all go through somehow. I only hope that I can be as valiant as you have been. Thank you for everything you have meant to me. I love you, Alisa and Josh! You are always in my prayers.

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  32. Alisa and Josh... Our dear friends! Today I read the first presidency message on COURAGE. President Monson said, “What does it mean to endure? I love this definition: TO WITHSTAND WITH COURAGE." This is what I have seen in both of you. Alisa... brave, strong, unbending, ever faithful fighter wife..mom..daughter.. sister.. friend! Josh... quiet, dedicated, supportive, tender and loving husband. I can't imagine being in either of your shoes. Our thoughts and constant prayers are for your comfort, peace and knowledge that Father is aware of you and all you have gone through and all you will go through. I remember you saying that you wish everyone could gain the perspective you have gotten, just without having to go through cancer. Because you have been so open to share your journey with us, we have all gotten a better glimpse of what matters most. You are both amazing. We are ever grateful for your friendship and goodness. Continued prayers and love!

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  33. You are the strongest warrior I know. Hugs and prayers.

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  34. Alisa I'm sooo sorry to read these words.. We are thinking of you and your family. You are strong, you are amazing and a fighter.. You are in our prayers.. {{HUGS}}

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  35. If each one of your family member, friends, blog readers could take away your pain, we'd all do it in a heartbeat. When I read this last week, it felt like a cheap shot to the stomach. Not just one punch, but a punch for every carcinamatosis in yours. I'd take every hit for you. I love your dearly. I believe in YOU! You have been a constant source of strength in my life. Let us be strong for you now. I wish I could figure out how to take your pain, so you could rest painlessly. Prayers, tears, love coming your way constantly.

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  36. Thinking of you all the time, Alisa. Sending so much love to you, Josh and your boys.

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  37. Alisa, you are full of courage In all its forms, including a special brand of courage that I find even more admirable, submission, of which I know very little, but find admirable in you. I know truly that you know what you can and cannot do for yourself. I know the One who can do for you must be so astounded by your large life. In the short time we have been neighbors and our boys have known each other, I have been touched by just how giant a life you live. GIANT. You are mighty in your weakness and even in your lowest siffering, you have been so strong and have strengthened so many. Your family is always in my heart and on my mind and you have many friends and loved ones who are praying and pulling for you. I'd take every bit of your sorrow if only it were mine to do. I love & admire you greatly. I'm on the side of miracles. And, I believe that your biggest and best are yet to arrive! Raspberries in summer, my friend. -Shelley

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  38. I am always hesitant to post here because words don't convey my true feelings. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers. I haven't known what to do for you, but I know prayers are what has gotten me through every trial in this life. I hope all the prayers being offered in your behalf will be felt and that peace will abound. You have fought a terrible, courageous battle and have been a valiant example to me. You have such faith and hope and fight with grace. I love you and am praying for you and Josh and the boys.
    Love, Tera

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  39. You have amazed and inspired me since the moment I met you. I love you so much and pray for you always. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Bless you, my friend!

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  40. I can't stop thinking about you tonight, Alisa. I couldn't believe how good you looked at dinner over the weekend in spite of the pain you'd in; you are so amazing.
    Thanks for posting to your blog and keeping us all informed. I can't even imagine how hard your decisions will be this week. No doubt you'll tackle whatever comes with the poise that comes so naturally to you.
    Josh, you're also my hero. I would be a total wreck right now in your place. I hope everyone in your family is getting some sleep and some peace.

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  41. I don't even know what to say except that my heart breaks for you and your sweet family. I hate melanoma. I hate that you're suffering. I hate that it has come to this. But I'm also so honored to have followed your miraculous journey and the strength, faith, determination and grace you have exhibited is truly astounding. Prayers to you that you will not suffer this last leg of your journey and will be able to enjoy all those small moments that make life worth living.

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  42. Alisha - you are the total package. Grace under fire with a true, genuine smile. May you know that you are thought of often and prayed for constantly in the Boyle home. Carbo/Taxol is your new drug? That's the family of drugs I met for my cancer. Prayers that you will find peace and less pain during this next round. Love you.

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