Friday, October 28, 2011

good signs

Scans were fast today. No Dr.s coming in to consult. No techs changing my position. When there has been question I have had at least some sort of delay. I am going to take this as a really good sign, and hope there is nothing to talk to Dr. about on Wednesday. I will for sure keep you posted after my appointment.

All of Steven's tests this week looked good! We are so thrilled about it.

Monday, October 24, 2011

scan week

The blog has been neglected lately. I thought I would be better at keeping it up with the kids in school, but it hasn't helped much. Hopefully I can start making time for it. I just posted about Steven's chemo completion. We celebrated this weekend with a lovely trip to Yellowstone that I will have to share ASAP.

This week Steven and I have our every 3 month scans. Steven's are tomorrow and mine are on Friday. I haven't had much time to stress about it. There are certainly some moments of panic when I think about how everything could change so quickly. But mostly, I just want to get them over with and enjoy the holiday season until we have to do this all over again. I am trying to read into the fact that the same day we get results (the 2nd) we fly out to Disney World to play while Josh attends a conference. Hoping it will be another celebration trip!

Friday, October 7, 2011

last day of chemo

Very emotional today as my nephew was sung the "Happy Last Day of Chemo" song by the nurses on his unit.

I cried because I am so proud of him. Because he was such a trooper. Because he has a great future ahead of him.

I cried because he will have to use crutches to walk to his car. I cried because he can't have his leg back.

I cried because his family will now get to go back to a somewhat normal life. I cried because people think you can go back to a normal life, but I know it will be hard to find normal again.

I cried because I am so happy for them. Because they can close this chapter. I cried because I'm so sad for them. That they ever had to get mixed up in this mess.

I cried because it's not fair. Because life can be so hard.

I cried because there is such a thing as cancer. I cried because anyone has to have chemo ever. I cried because I can't have any chemo.

I cried because once they sang the song to me. I cried then too, although I didn't know why I was crying.

But mostly I cried because my sister cried. Because she has had to deal with this for such a long time. And she will be dealing with cancer and it's after effects for a long time. I cried because she has been so strong. And just because I love her.

So many reasons to cry today. But HOORAY the chemo is over!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

there is a season

I am a little conflicted to see the seasons change this year. I think of last year at this time I had been craving some big change. You know that feeling? I just felt something had to happen. The biggest change I could think of was a move. Like out-of-the-state kind of move. We tried a couple of things with Josh's company, but neither or them worked out. I tried my best to talk him into Singapore. I was serious and restless.

Now I would be so happy to keep everything the same. Just the same. No one grow up, no one move on. Where is the pause button? I want to push it in September.

But October has made such a good first impression on me!

I have been a distracted driver this week as I can't keep my eyes off these beautiful mountains! "What is going on up there?!" I kept asking the kids.

Finally tonight I got to go up and see what it was all about. Wow. Imagine this: Below me to my right, snow melting slowly into a field of wildflowers. In the distance mountains saturated in the colors of fall. A mountain goat grazes and above him, a double rainbow. To my left I watch the sun sinking on the valley where I live, spilling it's light through rain and rainclouds. The lake is shining and the valley is still green. There is thunder echoing through the skies. It was like I had all the seasons together in one place. A place I see from far away outside my front window every day.

It kind of made me sick that I could have ever been unhappy here.

It's interesting how I have changed since last year. I got to learn all the lessons cancer taught me the first time, again. And they were even more powerful. Even though I'm in the same state, same city, same house...I am in a different place. A really, really good place. Hope I can get some time to explain why I think this is the case.

October is of course the month of my next scans. The date is set for the 28th. I have an appointment with the Dr. November 2nd to get the results (no more waiting for phone calls for me).

I wondered how I would be at this point. Everyone I read about on the internet that has gone through the 'watch and wait' approach seem to agree that "You get used to it." I thought that meant that I would get used to being sad and anxious. I was so wrong. I am hardly ever sad and only rarely worry anymore. And yes, that's pretty easy to get used to.