Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I am sorry for the break in updates.

These last five weeks have been the longest I have gone without seeing a doctor this entire year!  It feels so good.  I will go again next week to chat, check blood work (we have been watching blood counts because of the oral chemo), and pick up another round of pills.  Last month's dose was no big deal, only one day of puking, otherwise I felt just fine.

I continue to look for signs of cancer, but they are just not showing up.  When I count the weeks since that one dose of IPI...almost 18?!  Is this possible?  Scans will be mid-November.  I can only imagine we will see good signs again.  Why not?

Physically I feel incredible.  The only thing I seem to suffer from is nightmares.  All involving cancer.   Most of the time it is a general knowledge that the cancer is back.  Low lighting, scary music, worried exchanges.  But there are also very specific dreams that wake me up, heart racing, feeling for that exact spot I dreamed up a tumor.   I have always been affected emotionally by my dreams (ask Josh how happy I am with him the morning after I dream he cheats on me).  And this is no different.

I go to bed invincible, and wake up vulnerable and scared.

Such is my life this year.  There is no middle ground.  Nothing has been lukewarm.  The adjective doesn't exist.  All or nothing.   Sickly or robust.  Live or die.  Heartbroken or euphoric.  We live in extremes. 

We are right now in a state of extreme happiness.  It involves my normal, everyday life that I wanted back so badly.  It is mostly dishes and laundry and shuttling and motivating kids.  Occasionally reading novels, lunch with friends, exercise, home improvement.  It involves taking trips and making commitments.

And the best part?  It includes planning for the future.  Something stolen, now returned.  A trip this fall.  The kid's Christmas presents.  A move in the spring.  The possibilities!!!

I will try and blog some of the fun we have been up to.  But just now the boys are about the walk in the door.  Homework, piano, karate, dinner, scouts.  Luckiest mom ever.  You get the picture.