Saturday, July 16, 2011

Celebrated last night with a hike up Squaw Peak to watch the full moon rise.

From Drop Box

The mountains this year are DELICIOUS.

From Drop Box


From Drop Box

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Stupid dog

From Drop Box

From Drop Box

Over Utah County

From Drop Box


Friday, July 15, 2011

This is seriously a crazy ride.

Checked into the hospital this morning having no idea what to expect. They put me in a hospital bed, started an IV, hooked me up to a heart monitor, explained I would get some drugs to make me sleepy (versed and phentanyl, I said yes to both) during the procedure. The Dr. came in and said that they do a CT scan, bring me out of the scanner, mark where the needle should go, get the needle in there (he said it could be hard depending on what organs were in the way, we may have to try and manually manipulate things, or lay on my tummy or something to try and get a straight shot), then with the needle in, run me through the scanner to see if it was in the right place, take some sample cells, and give them to a pathologist to make sure it was a 'good' sample.


He said there is a chance this area lit up on the scan because when they married the CT with the PET it was a little off and it was just showing the ovary again, as the spot was about the same size and right next to the ovary. How big of chance, I asked, of it being something like that and not cancer? He thought as high as 50%. B

So they get me on the CT machine, put a grid paper-thing on my stomach, run me through the scanner once, inject contrast dye, run me through again. I then wait for 10 minutes while the radiologist consults with another radiologist. He came out and said there was nothing he could poke a needle into. A small spot that they would watch in upcoming scans, but most likely just normal ovarian activity.

So within a couple hours I ran through so many emotions. Glad we are stopping on overjoyed.

Freedom!!! Until October...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


The knot in my stomach is finally gone after a couple weeks! Although yesterday's news was not as good as it could be, I was prepared for much worse, so there were no tears or trouble sleeping.

The Dr. gave me the choice yesterday of doing surgery to remove and biopsy the spot in question, or scanning in couple of months to see if it grows. I asked what he would recommend and he said, "It's a tough call." Leaving the hard choice up to me. I didn't love either of the choices (although he said the surgery would not be as big as the last one) so we are going to see if they can get at it with a needle first. Might as well try.

There are reasons I am not too worried. The metabolically active spot was there on the scans in March, near an ovary, and the radiologist read it as something that can be normal in young women. They are concerned about it only because it has grown.
I think I would be more worried if the same thing was in my liver, or lung, or even if they were thinking it was a lymph node. Because those places make more sense to me.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, other than I'm in a better place today than I have been for a while. Kind of liking this place!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

results in (kind of)

I talked with the Dr. briefly. There is something showing growth in my pelvic region, above the leg. The surgeon thought this was a lymph node, but the radiologist looked again and thinks it is not. I go in Friday to have another CT and hopefully (if they can get at it) a needle biopsy to see if there are cancerous cells or something else. Of course we won't get the results from the pathology of the biopsy till next week at the earliest.

So a little more waiting. And a lot more hoping.

If this is cancerous and not a lymph node, I guess I would be considered stage IV. If it is a lymph node near where my others were removed, I may stay the same stage. If this is not cancer, I am going to do 29 back-flips in a row. At least. Can't do one now, but no matter.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I guess I should have Josh write the blog. All the facts with none of the drama.

Yes they said tomorrow. I had been out of cell phone coverage for most of the day, and right before the office closed I was able to get a bar on the top of a cliff in Colorado and track down the Dr.'s office.

It was the sweet receptionist who told me they were just talking about me, and that the Dr. wanted to call and go over the results with me tomorrow. And he will be in surgery all morning, so we are looking at afternoon. I was so surprised. I am trying not to read into this too much. But could the Dr. possibly want to just say "Everything looks great!"?

Maybe because there is nothing there, we are in no big hurry? Hoping for this. Can we apply the old adage, "no news is good news?"

I am pretty amazed I held up nicely after the let down. I took the boys to Mesa Verde today and we had such a great time exploring old Indian ruins. I was a little nervous to drag them around all day by myself as I am running out of patience with them (just been a bit stressed out). But I didn't even need patience today, they were so good. I had several comments from strangers on how great they acted.

One couple in a curious accent (Australian I thought) approached me and said, "We don't have children where we come from. And I just thought you should know it is great to see such well behaved kids having fun and enjoying life."

"Oh, yes. Where are you from?"



We are staying at Grandmas tonight, where it seems impossible to feel anything but peaceful. She lives at the edge of a small town with a big yard and beautiful garden. I love that her calm, reassuring presence resembles her environment. Maybe I won't go back.

still no news

Alisa is in southern utah, but she called the doctors office and they said they would for sure call her tomorrow afternoon with the results.

Saturday, July 9, 2011


As we drove into Canyonlands today I let out a little squeal. Look what I saw in the rear view mirror!

From Drop Box

As we drove out of Canyonlands I let out a big sigh. The rainbow-place was covered in lighting.

From Drop Box

Friday, July 8, 2011

nope. not today.

I guess we are waiting till Monday. Luckily we have plans for the weekend, and I'm not stressed about it when I'm not expecting it. And really, at the end of the day, I'm thinking, what is a few more days?

nothing yet

I caved in and called the Dr.'s office. I was blow drying my hair wondering why it seemed so difficult this morning, when I noticed I was rocking like a crazy person. I tried to stop, but I am crazy person right now, so I rocked harder.

So I had to call. And she had to say the results are not in yet. But they would call me when they got them. If not today then for sure by Monday.

Monday? I swear they are going to have to prescribe something if that's the case.

How hard is it to look through the images, write up a brief summary, email it over to the office, call me? Or text me. I just need one word. Positive or negative. Yes or no. Something or nothing. Good or bad. Clean or messy. Sad or happy. Present or absent.

Just let me hear the good news and move on!

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Well, I finished the tests yesterday. I guess I find out tomorrow if I passed.

I combined every trick I've used in the past to get some sort of info out of the radiology techs (who watch the scan as it's happening), but of course they are trained to keep quiet, and I couldn't read into anything they said or did after it was all over. Grrrr.

So I look for clues elsewhere. The sky moslty. Clouds! Kind of bad news gathering. Possibly of some spots in the leg. Back to where we were 3 months ago. Rain! Tears, tears all around for sure. More in the lymph nodes. A big surgery awaits. Sun! Good news ahead for me! Not one thing lit up on that scan! Bright future awaits! Thunder and Lightning?! Sudden and quick destruction! Liver, lung, and brain! Woe is me!

And as fate would have it, the weather the last two days has been sun and storm, back and forth. So I knew for sure what was coming: the quintessential token-a rainbow! Placed either directly above my rooftop, so that my house is centered perfectly in its arch, or at the end of the colors, telling everyone that good fortune and gold can be found here!

Unfortunately, I never found a rainbow. Fortunately, I guess the heavens do not always coordinate with the earth to give silly girls hopes and their opposites.

A small request: Please don't call me tomorrow. I am a seriously ridiculous case of nerves, and I'm not sure if I can take the phone ringing unless it's the Dr.'s office. We will get the news out as soon as we get it.


Hoping I get a call early in the morning:)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

that among these are Life

This 4th of July I was especially grateful to be living in this country. Grateful that I have as good of a chance as anyone (with my diagnosis), anywhere in the world, to survive this thing.

I love that this country gives everyone a chance. I'm not saying it's perfect, or equal. But it does seem like no matter where we came from, or who we are, we have the chance at The Good Life. Whatever we decide that is.

I love how we take a baby born too early, or a cancer caught too late, and against all odds, try and save that life. And because we have the resources, technologies, and value life, so many times we succeed!

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
~Delclaration of Independence