I am a little conflicted to see the seasons change this year. I think of last year at this time I had been craving some big change. You know that feeling? I just felt something had to happen. The biggest change I could think of was a move. Like out-of-the-state kind of move. We tried a couple of things with Josh's company, but neither or them worked out. I tried my best to talk him into Singapore. I was serious and restless.
Now I would be so happy to keep everything the same. Just the same. No one grow up, no one move on. Where is the pause button? I want to push it in September.
But October has made such a good first impression on me!
I have been a distracted driver this week as I can't keep my eyes off these beautiful mountains! "What is going on up there?!" I kept asking the kids.
Finally tonight I got to go up and see what it was all about. Wow. Imagine this: Below me to my right, snow melting slowly into a field of wildflowers. In the distance mountains saturated in the colors of fall. A mountain goat grazes and above him, a double rainbow. To my left I watch the sun sinking on the valley where I live, spilling it's light through rain and rainclouds. The lake is shining and the valley is still green. There is thunder echoing through the skies. It was like I had all the seasons together in one place. A place I see from far away outside my front window every day.
It kind of made me sick that I could have ever been unhappy here.
It's interesting how I have changed since last year. I got to learn all the lessons cancer taught me the first time, again. And they were even more powerful. Even though I'm in the same state, same city, same house...I am in a different place. A really, really good place. Hope I can get some time to explain why I think this is the case.
October is of course the month of my next scans. The date is set for the 28th. I have an appointment with the Dr. November 2nd to get the results (no more waiting for phone calls for me).
I wondered how I would be at this point. Everyone I read about on the internet that has gone through the 'watch and wait' approach seem to agree that "You get used to it." I thought that meant that I would get used to being sad and anxious. I was so wrong. I am hardly ever sad and only rarely worry anymore. And yes, that's pretty easy to get used to.