My heart has been quiet for a while. I wonder what to say when people ask how I am doing. How has my summer been? Am I liking the new house? How are you feeling?
Physically I feel great. The second dose of AntiPD-1 was supposed to bring on more side effects than the first, so I was a little bummed I didn't feel sick at all. No night sweats, no chills, no diahrreah. Other than a pretty strong pull to my bed for an afternoon nap-I felt no difference. Tumors seem to be stable, or maybe smaller, but not a definite difference from the first dose. The large axillary tumor is still alarmingly large. The third dose was completed on Wed. and I have only felt a little chill in my bones and a desire to sleep.
Mentally, I do not feel 'great' yet. I worry about things. Well, I don't allow myself to worry about things (like is this really going to work?) by shutting down parts of my brain or something. I am just numb somehow. This may be a way I cope with things, but it is not the way I want to live. I am trying to break away from this pattern, and hopefully will find success.
One year ago they found cancer in my brain. In 25 spots. One year ago I was devastated.
I am so grateful that I am still in this fight. It's a fight till the death, and usually does not take this long for someone to win. But I'm holding my ground. I am praying that science can stay one step ahead of my disease. If every year I just need some medication to give me another year...
I used to wonder why we prolong our lives. Why we even offer toxic medicines that are only supposed to give you a few extra months (this is not the case with my medicines so far, as they do have the potential for long term responses). But every day I get it. The kids are so funny, and the moon is so wonderful, and the raspberries so ripe. Anything for more of this. Even just a little more.
Today I had a plan to blog about all our recent events. I had Josh take the kids to the rope swing by the river (I cannot get anything done on the computer when they are around-I would much rather be hanging out with them). I started typing and soon the world went black. An hour later I was awakened by the slamming of doors and kicking off of shoes. I had only gotten two paragraphs typed. The last one talked about my desire for naps. :)
So hopefully I can stay awake long enough to fill you in here pretty soon. Thank you for your concern and continued prayers.