the middle of may i

A Mary Engelbreit illustration I just saw and smiled at

Last week I had my last Doctor's appointment until July. They just let me go. I walked right on out. All by myself. Okay! Bye guys! See you then! I guess I'll just...you know...ummm...

What? What exactly an I supposed to do?

When I was given the clean bill of health in September I was ready to start my next adventure. I wanted to get involved in something, maybe volunteer at the cancer center, or start taking pictures again, or move out of the state, or go back to school. Everything sounded fun. But nothing felt right. Something inside said 'Just wait.'

Crazy. It is so obvious now why I kept hearing that.

So...now what? Do we follow through with long term plans? That was about to include moving from our starter home. Why do that if we end up fighting this thing again and I need my neighborhood (best ever) and my kids need their friends? We wanted to move before James hits middle school. Do I uproot them now?

And guess what I wished for in January as I blew out the candles on my 32nd birthday cake? More life. Not more for me (I was sure I had that), I wanted more kids! Online that night, after Josh was asleep, I filled out and sent an application to adopt four kids from the state. I wanted all of them. I woke Josh up with questions about what kind of vehicle we could fit everyone into and how soon we could purchase it. I was so excited! My first thought when I got the phone call that cancer was back, was that this would be the end of my more kids dreams. Ouch!

I could go to school this fall, or take classes at least. But would this be a waist of time? A job that takes me away from my kids, even for a couple hours a week? Is it worth it?

And then if I just have fun and do whatever I want (what I'm leaning toward), am I distracting myself from reality, or focusing on it?

I know I have to live with no regrets, now more than ever. The question is, what would I regret spending my time and efforts doing?

Maybe one of my biggest regrets is just not enjoying the stages of my life, I mean really enjoy. Too worried about what people thought to enjoy High School, too stressed out about grades to enjoy college, too much anxiety over every hazard to enjoy my babies.

Wouldn't it be sad if I was too worried about something that might happen to enjoy everything that actually is happening?

And so, I try to enjoy this stage, as uncertain as it is. There are hundreds of really great things about right now. There are hundreds of questions too.

With some of my big plans put on hold, I am trusting God sees the bigger plan. But if I could just get a glimpse!