Monday, May 16, 2011

the middle of may i

A Mary Engelbreit illustration I just saw and smiled at

Last week I had my last Doctor's appointment until July. They just let me go. I walked right on out. All by myself. Okay! Bye guys! See you then! I guess I'll know...ummm...

What? What exactly an I supposed to do?

When I was given the clean bill of health in September I was ready to start my next adventure. I wanted to get involved in something, maybe volunteer at the cancer center, or start taking pictures again, or move out of the state, or go back to school. Everything sounded fun. But nothing felt right. Something inside said 'Just wait.'

Crazy. It is so obvious now why I kept hearing that. what? Do we follow through with long term plans? That was about to include moving from our starter home. Why do that if we end up fighting this thing again and I need my neighborhood (best ever) and my kids need their friends? We wanted to move before James hits middle school. Do I uproot them now?

And guess what I wished for in January as I blew out the candles on my 32nd birthday cake? More life. Not more for me (I was sure I had that), I wanted more kids! Online that night, after Josh was asleep, I filled out and sent an application to adopt four kids from the state. I wanted all of them. I woke Josh up with questions about what kind of vehicle we could fit everyone into and how soon we could purchase it. I was so excited! My first thought when I got the phone call that cancer was back, was that this would be the end of my more kids dreams. Ouch!

I could go to school this fall, or take classes at least. But would this be a waist of time? A job that takes me away from my kids, even for a couple hours a week? Is it worth it?

And then if I just have fun and do whatever I want (what I'm leaning toward), am I distracting myself from reality, or focusing on it?

I know I have to live with no regrets, now more than ever. The question is, what would I regret spending my time and efforts doing?

Maybe one of my biggest regrets is just not enjoying the stages of my life, I mean really enjoy. Too worried about what people thought to enjoy High School, too stressed out about grades to enjoy college, too much anxiety over every hazard to enjoy my babies.

Wouldn't it be sad if I was too worried about something that might happen to enjoy everything that actually is happening?

And so, I try to enjoy this stage, as uncertain as it is. There are hundreds of really great things about right now. There are hundreds of questions too.

With some of my big plans put on hold, I am trusting God sees the bigger plan. But if I could just get a glimpse!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Loved this post, Alisa. Love you. The reason there's a comment by Bryon that's deleted is because I was signed in as him and didn't realize it.

  3. Sometimes my greatest wish is to get that bigger glimpse of the future so I can know what decisions I should make. Oh, how I wish I could see ahead.

    Isn't funny how human being are all about what's around the corner and not what is right in front of them. I wish I could learn the secret of living in the moment.

    Maybe we should go to New Zealand?

  4. Boy Alisa, I can relate to everything you said in your post, everything! It's hard to know what to do and there is no easy answer. Let God lead you by the hand, and he will lead you to the next best thing in your life. Until you get a little clarity, I say squeeze the life out of every single day and don't go to bed until you've had a good, hearty laugh and lots of kisses from your kids and husband. Greater adventures await...

  5. Alisa I sooo love this post and everything you mentioned!!! you are amazing and it's always crazy what the Lord's path is and what he has up his sleeve for us.. it's never quite what we want.. just enjoy the day to day!!!

  6. I've wasted so much of my life waiting for happiness in the next stage. I feel like I am still learning how to enjoy the now. You know me--I am always on the lookout for something new to worry about. The irony is that now more than ever, I can look back and see how simple things used to be. And now I really want to be able to enjoy life without the worry.

  7. I have to say I agree with all the post! Most of all spend all the time you can with your family they need you even when they grow up and have a family of there own and think they do not need you! Your so good just follow your heart and listen to that small voice and go from there.

  8. I love you thoughts today. I think for now you just need to snuggle with your boys and eat a treat a day from Smart Cookie or Dippidee...

  9. Love this post. I think you should write a book in your 'meantime' - you really are a fantastic writer.

  10. so true, so true! You are so awesome Alisa, I just like you...:)

  11. Alisa,

    I loved the post, I can relate to a lot of what you said.

    Maybe the worrying bit is a universal natural tendency, or a unique Washburn inheritance. Maybe both.

    Whatever the case, I'm sure that you'll find that limber space between reality and escape that finds you happy despite everything life throws at you.