Last week I finished radiation. It wasn't too bad, but I admit I have never been so lazy in my life. That stuff zapped away all sorts of motivation.
It has always been bittersweet to stop treatments. I know I still have cancer (armpit tumor), and now what am I doing about it?
I meet with the doctor next week, so we will see what he has in mind. I think we will scan again at the end of February and take it from there. It may just be that we keep the dang tumor in there. It is in the perfect place for an easy biopsy if I qualified for a trial down the line. It won't do any harm where it is... I think a lot of times after successful immunotherapy you can live with cancer in your body.
Although I find myself sometimes anxious about the future, I realize that I have developed (or maybe discovered) something very special: an unconditional love for my life.
When I think of a way to describe it, I can only compare it to the love I have for my children.
I am not always thrilled about their choices. I am not always happy with them. They may not turn out to be what I thought they should. But I do love them deep down so perfectly. There is nothing they could do that would change that. I don't think I love them because of what they give to me. I don't think I love them because they are angels. I don't think I love them because they are brilliant and funny and sweet (they are though, guys). I love them just because they are.
And I might love their potential too.
And so I am not always thrilled with the events that happen to me. My life might not turn out to be what I thought it should. I can't love it for what it gives to me. I don't think I love it for the bright sunshine (there was almost none this January in Utah, and I was happy just the same). I can't love it for being a perfect heaven (only sometimes it feels like it). Some of these expectations are bound to disappoint. I love it just because it is.
And maybe I love its potential too.
Whatever happens I don't want to lose this perspective. I pray that I can continue to love and appreciate, despite. Unconditionally.
I feel like I want to treat my life and my children like the gift from God that they are. Now if only I could learn how to make my actions match my feelings. I wish those deep down convictions would surface a little easier for me...