one-way

Yesterday I did everything I could to get to Portland earlier, and it turns out it was enough!  I am going to see them on the 11th, and as soon as we can get everything done I will come back.  If all goes well I could start the medicine on the 17th.  The nurse suggested I buy a one-way ticket and we will see how things go.

In the mean time...I really wonder if I'm losing my mind.  There seems to be absolutly no stability in there.  I wrote down some thoughts I had all in this one morning, all genuine.  Many of them I am not proud of. 

I come out the bathroom and start to get dressed.  I hear giggling by my feet.  I see Luke still as a board except his stomach and chest rippling with laughter.

"I'm....hahaha....frozen to the floor mom.  HAHAHAHA!!  You are going to have to roll me around from now on."

"Well I clearly need a picture of this tragedy.  Hold still!"  That gave him a good laugh.  I love my kids!!!

Why are we 2 minutes late for school everyday?  How come the kids never looked groomed when we finally arrive?  Why did I ever buy the 'comfy' clothes and let them pick their own outfits?  Why do I not make them do their hair everyday?  Why don't they care about their hair?  My children drive me crazy!

I have got to make a list of things to do today, I need to check stuff off so I feel like I am getting somewhere. 

I get on the computer to check emails and house listings.  I am so sick of my house!  We looked at a house close to us, but is it the right one?  Could we even afford it after all the travel expenses and medical bills from the trial?  I have insurance, but I will have to pay the out-of-network prices.  Luckily, the medicine is free.  What if we were in a financial bind right now?  Thank goodness for this silly little house and its ridiculous payment and our crappy van with no payment.  

Or should we get a 4-wheel-drive in case it makes sense to drive up to the hospital every now and then?  That was in our plans for this winter... Josh can't pick up chicks in a minivan if something happens to me!  A little pride please!   I tell Josh about how this idea is bothering me.  "Look...I'll get a new car the day you die."  He thinks for a moment.  "I guess that would look a little weird."  Oh, if you could only hear our conversations along these lines (remind me to tell you some time of the 23 year-old wife option).  There are always funny moments, occasional tears, and they usually end with Josh saying "Can we talk about something else?"  But what else is there? 

A move.  That's what there is.  This week I have been boxing up closet stuff that we won't need till the spring, getting the house ready to sell.  It has been the fun.  And this is saying something around here for the past couple of weeks.  It's kept me busy and Josh excited.  Sam is our handy little helper.  Keeps begging to tape up some boxes.

The kids are ready to move, which is a first for them.  There has always been a big demonstration when we have discussed it before.  I guess that means something.  The house we looked at has a basement apartment that one of my sisters could live in while they save up for a house.  My kids would love that.  And my sisters have little kids which I would love to have around.    

But why am I asking for anything more out of life?  I would always say that it doesn't matter our circumstances (I pictured us living in a trailer park), when Luke graduates from high school and Josh and I are sitting there together watching him, we will be the happiest people on earth. 

But I can't really see the sky from any of our windows!  True story.  And it makes me feel trapped.

And I can't even have people over for dinner here!  How can I celebrate all this good news and good life when we really can't have a good size party here?  I can't even fit my immediate family.  We have friends over and the kids have to go play in the back yard.  Oh wait...our back yard is the smallest.  We have to take them to our park.  And it's not like we live in a big city here, folks, where space is limited.

Josh is going to move any way.  No matter what the wife situation.  Why not help him pick?  His only requirement is some cement to play basketball.  Pretty sure we shouldn't leave the decision up to him.

My tooth hurts still.  Two root canals this last month.  Nothing worse than spending your time and all kinds of money on root canals.  At least the endodontist made it pretty pain free.  It was my first time getting dental work done without laughing gas.  That takes nerve guys.  Now for the crown part.  Dang it!  The dentist thought maybe it was the chemo messing with the nerves?  Easy to blame everything on the chemo.  What other kind of damage has been done from these strange medicines?

My bargaining is not the best (earlier posts can prove).  My prayer from the beginning of the year was pretty simple.  "At least let me try everything."  Of course in the back of my mind I'm thinking if I have time to try everything something is bound to work.  So far we are doing good on this deal.  I would hate to have my kids wonder if something could have been done had I had more time.  Let me get into this trial so we can check this off our list.  Give me the chance!

I think I just can't come up with a good enough offer if His end of the deal is "I cure you completely."  What does my end look like?  There is nothing that big.

It is expensive to travel, but it would also be expensive if I had to pay someone to take care of my kids.  So, as long as this drug can give me as many as extra months as I am on the medicine, we are not talking about a bad deal. 

Morbid math.  Why am I even calculating this kind of crap?

Josh is getting "physically sick" when he thinks about me leaving next week.  Nauseous.  "Come on Josh, we have to to do this!  This is my chance!  This is exciting stuff!"  He knows, he knows.  But we haven't really been apart this year.  We have gotten a little ridiculous about each other.  Over-used the words I love you, that's for sure.  Plus a hundred other mushy and romantic antics that I will spare you from.  How long can we keep this up? 

Suddenly I see the "Warn children of the risk of death by electric shock" tag on my hair dyer as I am brushing my teeth.  Panic attack!  I have never told my kids about this.  What else have I missed?  They will never make it.  The horror! 

A one-way ticket?  Just so fitting for my situation.  I have no idea what is coming next.  I can't plan my next week.  Everything is up in the air guys.  Can I remain sane with all this uncertainty?