a thrill of hope

I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last couple of weeks.  I had scans on Christmas Eve.  It has been one month since my last scans, and two months since I've had any kind of treatment (last dose of the chemo pill Temodar was in October).  What will my body do on it's own? 

There have been some down-right scared-out-of-my-mind hours as part these very fun and always busy days.

The news is not bad.  Nothing new is showing up, but there is some growth in two of the three remaining tumors.   Brain still clear (somehow). 

After talking to the trial nurse today, I may not qualify for the tumor injection trial after all.  You have to have two tumors to biopsy, one to put the medicine in, and another to compare it to.  I have the one in my armpit which would be perfect.  But the other two near my kidney are about to be destroyed.

We are going to radiate them starting next week.  15 days of radiation, then it's over for them.  Today I got four (very small) tattoos, so they can line up my body correctly every time.  Bragging rights! 

Radiation is where we started my stage 4 melanoma journey a year ago.  This is where I would LOVE to end it.  There is a theory out there that radiation can stimulate your immune system and cause a systemic effect when a person has had immune therapy drugs (the ones I have been given over the year).  That is what we are hoping for here.

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I have been fascinated with hope this season.  As I think about the miracle of Christ and the many gifts of God, I feel hope for everything and everyone.  Not necessariily the kind of hope that everything will be perfect, but that everything will be okay, and eventually goodness prevail.  In all our lives.  I don't think it's ever too late for miracles, for change, for peace.  I really believe that deep down inside and all over.  I will admit it seems easier to feel this hope for others, harder to apply it to myself.  But I am learning.  Cancer has been my teacher.  Cruel and relentless, she has not let me forget her lessons. 

"Believe all things, hope all things, endure all things..."

Simple.  Impossible.  Beautiful.

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(I will insert video here when Josh gets home to help me)

James on Christmas Eve playing for me.  Love his little punk attitude playing pretty music.  Love the words to his song:

Good Christian men, rejoice
With heart an soul and voice
Now ye need not fear the grave:
Peace!  Peace!
Jesus Christ was born to save
Calls you one and calls you all
To gain His everlasting hall
Christ was born to save
Christ was born to save