Update Day 2

Alisa felt pretty good yesterday, and was telling the doctors and nurses she wanted to get sick, "its not working if I am not sick, right?"

They tried to explain that is not necessarily true, well she got her wish today. She has been shaking and has thrown up a couple of times today. She has a fever now.

Her sister stopped by to visit, but Alisa was sleeping and groggy the whole time. They tell us she will be feeling a lot better just a couple days after she gets home, that is probably the best time to visit.


Josh

Update day 1

Everything went as planned today. Alisa got her first dose of Il2 around 1:30. She has not had any bad side affects yet. She will start her second dose later tonight.

Worst part of the day - I (josh) almost passed out while they were putting in the picc line.

calling all alisas

Progressing to stage IV was nothing like I envisioned. I have taken my passport with me to every Dr. appointment, just in case. In the event of bad news I was on the first plane to Italy. Josh could go home to pack and meet me there maybe the next day. "Just come and find me on some cobbled street looking out over the sea." I would smile brilliantly in all the photos, like There was no danger. I would chunk up on pizza, come home refreshed and ready for what was next. It was a great plan.

But no. No desire to get in a plane. Only an urgent need to stay put and hold my ground. To go home and be normal for a just a little while longer. To sit at the piano again with James. To finish painting Sam's bedroom wall with him. To take Luke mini golfing at the trashy fun center. What a funny reaction. I never would have guessed.

But tonight has not felt normal. Tonight Sam couldn't sleep because he was scared. "Scared of what, Sam?" "Of everything." After a stirring speech on bravery, to which Sam gave a courageous nod to each point, I softly admitted, "I'm scared too." And then when he fell asleep in my arms I cried like a baby. Cause as careful as I am not to show it, I am scared. Of everything.

I need some help, some source of strength I haven't yet tapped into.

I got an email from my dad tonight reminding me how strong I am. "You seem to have been able to accomplish anything, pass any test and muster uncommon power to do what you have needed to do." Yes, I thought, yes! That is the girl I need to be right now. Everything I have been. I need all of me, right now.

The little barefoot girl that was up for anything, and worried about nothing. I need her now. I also need the teenager that carefully, patiently formed a plan to get josh. Waited for years until he noticed me, and in the mean time, became something he might want. Played my cards just right. I also need the determined college girl. Who could sit still for five hours at a time in a library, settling for nothing below a 95% on all my exams for nursing school. Who walked around campus like she was on top of the world. I need the young mom who has no idea what she has gotten herself into, but plows through just the same. The one who decides she will learn how to cook, and how to balance. The one who decides that she should make a little money, and starts her own business because she can. I need the Alisa that has been down this road before. The one who made it nine months through treatments, and came out of it stronger, happier, and more confident than ever.

And I do need that Alisa in Italy. Her I need maybe the most. But I just need her to stay there, in the the future. She will help just by looking out over the sea. Because I know I will be right there one day. And that will keep me going.

8:00 am tomorrow morning. We show ourselves what we are made of. All of me fights. Together.

game on

Today is the day I started a fight that I must win. All I had to do was hold very still while listening to Cold Play.



I did have to take a pretty hard test. They hooked me up to an EKG and telemetry monitor and gave me some IV dobutamine to make my heart race. It also made it beat very strong. They did an echo-cardiogram before, during, and after they administered the drug to see if the heart was in good enough shape for the rigors of IL2. They thought everything looked really good.



Hospitals used to be such happy places. I kind of had to keep my tears in while listening to and watching my heart beat. I know that sound. Pretty sure they should be aiming this thing at my stomach. And how much fun would it be if they hear not one, but two little hearts beating? And how wonderful it would be to sit in a hospital gown, in a hospital room with Josh, and discuss the fussy things you have to bring up when a new person is about to be brought home. And how Josh would look at me with excitement and pride while I lay on the bed and hurt. And how he would cut the cord and the nurse would lay the beautiful wet thing on my chest and, wow! How I would cry and laugh, and hold the little creature so tight and whisper, "Happy Birthday!"

"Alisa? How are feeling now?" My heart was in the 120s by now and pounding out of my chest like nothing I can relate to. "Oh...It's just...(eyebrows scrunched together)...My heart..."

thank you

Thank you all so much for the emails, calls, and comments. Hopefully I will soon have lots of time at the hospital to reply.

So today we got a treatment plan for radiation. We spent the appointment in a CT scanner marking my leg to get the radiation in the right place. They decided on one high dose day instead of spreading it out. Sounds good to me. As long as we hit the right spot (they assure me they will). They aren't expecting any side effects, and it only takes minutes on the table. We do that tomorrow after my heart and lung tests.

I wanted to share our New Year's letter. We never sent them out. This was written before the cancer had returned. How wonderfully boring life was a month ago. Sigh.

Hi. I’m James and I got stuck with the boring task of writing the family…(my mom just told me it was called a newsletter). And I am also the editor, darn.
Dad-Dad likes to play basketball, and does not like to work on computers because he works on them all day and probably gets bored. He coaches Sam’s basketball team (and I’m the assistant coach). He plays on the ward team and a city league. He is a good leader and takes every opportunity to boss everyone else around on the court. Dad got direct TV and now watches all the cool football games (and the not cool ones too). He has to take Ginger to the park every night and play fetch with her. Of course, she only listens to him and ignores everything I say (except for the words treat and park). Like most grown-ups, he likes to nap instead of doing something else.

Mom-Mom complains about how much work she has to do cleaning around the house for us. She catches a break by running with dad, leaving me to play video games. Mom switches dinner with people (she cooks for three other families on Monday and gets to take a break Tues, Wed, and Thursday) and makes me eat every bite. Mom has cancer so we get to go on trips. Once we went to Hawaii for a vacation. Beautiful place, but the spiders are way too big. Snorkeling was great, we saw some sweet fish. We went on a boat tour and saw whales and spinner dolphins. Luke occasionally talks mom into taking him to Trafalga (local fun center) which is totally NOT her favorite pastime. Mom makes often DI runs and picks up every book she sees.

James-This year I started karate. We learned these sweet moves that I use against dad when we spar. I have a punching bag hanging up in my room. It’s currently on the floor, seeing as I kicked it about half as hard as I could have. I like to mess with legos and hex bugs. I like to shoot my brothers with nerf guns. My mom forces me to play piano. I have to play a grueling 40 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Talk about torture. Mom is really excited about my Beethoven song, which sounds more like a dance.  My mom also forces me to go to school, which is not a fun experience. We have to do like three hours of homework (true story).

Sam-Does the same sports as me and also plays football. He goes to school and hates reading. He has seven girlfriends, and an army of regular friends that come over and mess up my room. He plays the piano and is totally unreasonable about it. When he thinks a note is a G and it is really a C he and mom get in a big fight. He is a nice brother, and takes care of all the animals for us. He is Winton’s (our cat) favorite human and Ginger likes to chew on him like he is a dog. He got a bow and arrow for Christmas and he is a great shot. He is in the middle of painting his room (which looks to me like a bunch of scribbles). His favorite subject in school is lunch.

Luke-Likes to play games. All games. And that about sums him up. Just kidding. He loves sports, but mostly bowling. He has been busy with his T-ball, football, and basketball teams. His favorite subject in school is math. For Christmas he got a bunch of new board games that he is constantly begging us all the play. His real love is video games (which he rarely gets to play). He is always telling us about Chop Chop Caveman and no one has any idea what he is talking about (“you know the jungle, and how there is like the graveyard and stuff, on level 5 you have to be the boss on each one, and the one on the jungle one is Szchuan. And then you go to the graveyard and you have to defeat the 4 levels and then the boss, and the boss is the Wade. And when you kill him, then you get to the swamp……”).

100%

Today I had blocked out as a 100% mom day. Josh was out of town. I had no appointments. Was not even expecting a call from the hospital. And so...we slept in and played hooky. We have been waiting to get out our sleds all winter, and woke to a valley covered in the beautiful powder Utah is know for. We dared each other down the biggest "cliffs" and chased our dog around the untouched snow. We even had a bit of sunshine. We then went to the movies, out to lunch, mini golfing, and played a round of laser tag. Came home and did some homework and organizing of rooms.

These boys just fill me with hope and courage, and every reason I need to stay positive. It's like they have little bits of me in side them, that shine out and remind me of how strong I am, how much I can do, and how much I can believe.

2012-01-24

From 2012-01-24

mom vs cancer

We got the rest of my appointments scheduled this morning. I start radiation on Wednesday. Get my heart and lungs tested on Thursday (to see if they are in good enough condition for the IL2). I start the IL2 on Monday at 8:00 am.

I am going to post my long explanation (the camera stopped recording half-way through, so this is just the IL2 and IPI option) to the kids. The highlights are: Me sitting down like an old lady, being every so careful. Watching this makes me so sad. I think I've been doing this for weeks and thinking nothing of it. James crossing out the cancer in the mom vs. cancer story. Sam writing "Mom Wims" at the beginning of the story, and James making fun of it. Luke asking from the get-go, "Could you die of this?" "Would you have more chance of dying?" Luke altering my smile on the animated version of me.

I really did give a good hope and miracle section at the end that was not recorded. I think I am scared of harming their faith if I say that for sure if we are praying hard enough that we can cure the cancer. I am trying to find a realistic balance. This is all uncharted territory. I don't really know how to handle it, or what the experts say. But the truth is out there. Like I say at the beginning, I don't want them to be surprised no matter what happens. Good or bad. Anything can happen. I think we are all clinging to the good possibilities.

We had a good cry. I did have Josh start to video by then, so I put some slow mo of that in there at the end. It needs some sad music, but I am tired. Where is my professional filming team?

My final point to the kids was, "This is going to be hard. But guess what? We can do hard things."