Monday, January 23, 2012
We got the rest of my appointments scheduled this morning. I start radiation on Wednesday. Get my heart and lungs tested on Thursday (to see if they are in good enough condition for the IL2). I start the IL2 on Monday at 8:00 am.
I am going to post my long explanation (the camera stopped recording half-way through, so this is just the IL2 and IPI option) to the kids. The highlights are: Me sitting down like an old lady, being every so careful. Watching this makes me so sad. I think I've been doing this for weeks and thinking nothing of it. James crossing out the cancer in the mom vs. cancer story. Sam writing "Mom Wims" at the beginning of the story, and James making fun of it. Luke asking from the get-go, "Could you die of this?" "Would you have more chance of dying?" Luke altering my smile on the animated version of me.
I really did give a good hope and miracle section at the end that was not recorded. I think I am scared of harming their faith if I say that for sure if we are praying hard enough that we can cure the cancer. I am trying to find a realistic balance. This is all uncharted territory. I don't really know how to handle it, or what the experts say. But the truth is out there. Like I say at the beginning, I don't want them to be surprised no matter what happens. Good or bad. Anything can happen. I think we are all clinging to the good possibilities.
We had a good cry. I did have Josh start to video by then, so I put some slow mo of that in there at the end. It needs some sad music, but I am tired. Where is my professional filming team?
My final point to the kids was, "This is going to be hard. But guess what? We can do hard things."