pain

It has been a long week. Worst ever. I have had a low grade fever ever since Tuesday when we found out (or really, maybe it's been longer, I've never checked). My theory is my immune system is really trying to do something about the recent invasion. Poor baby, it has been fighting this thing for 5 years. We gotta give it some help!

Had the talk with the kids today. I will have to post some of the video. I pride myself on my pep talks. This was a hard one. Not a ton of pep at the end. Lots of tears, lots of fears.

Trying very hard to stay positive. I now have a dull ache constantly in the right ischium. Can't believe how fast it seems to get worse. I was doing yoga until the beginning of the year. No way I could do most of the sitting positions, it hurts even to bend and touch my toes. I was running a week ago, and only noticing pain there when I ran up the stairs. It now smarts when I sit down quickly without taking care to position myself just so. We are totally creeped out by this. Cancer is at the very least right now, a pain the butt.

Thank you for all the offers to help. They really give us a sense of peace. I am working out a schedule right now for the kids and the housekeeping. I cannot believe how many options I have. Both of our families live close. I have 4 sisters a short drive away. A neighborhood full of best friends. The kids will be very well taken care of.

I am a painfully independent person by nature. But a couple of my sister's came by today so desperate to help. I put myself in their shoes and realized that I could actually help their anxiety if I could find them something to do. So I am working on that. It's time to take people up on their offers.

For now, I appreciate all the prayers. Josh and I went to the temple today, and felt lots of love during the prayer. We are doing okay. Nights are hard. Putting the kids to sleep is very difficult. No one wants to make the boys be silent for the rest of the night. I keep capturing any child who wakes up in the middle of the night to pee. He must get in my bed and sleep by my shoulder. I want to hear him breathing and stare at his eyelashes.

Love is heaven, and heartbreak is hell. How are we mixed up in both?