Progressing to stage IV was nothing like I envisioned. I have taken my passport with me to every Dr. appointment, just in case. In the event of bad news I was on the first plane to Italy. Josh could go home to pack and meet me there maybe the next day. "Just come and find me on some cobbled street looking out over the sea." I would smile brilliantly in all the photos, like There was no danger. I would chunk up on pizza, come home refreshed and ready for what was next. It was a great plan.
But no. No desire to get in a plane. Only an urgent need to stay put and hold my ground. To go home and be normal for a just a little while longer. To sit at the piano again with James. To finish painting Sam's bedroom wall with him. To take Luke mini golfing at the trashy fun center. What a funny reaction. I never would have guessed.
But tonight has not felt normal. Tonight Sam couldn't sleep because he was scared. "Scared of what, Sam?" "Of everything." After a stirring speech on bravery, to which Sam gave a courageous nod to each point, I softly admitted, "I'm scared too." And then when he fell asleep in my arms I cried like a baby. Cause as careful as I am not to show it, I am scared. Of everything.
I need some help, some source of strength I haven't yet tapped into.
I got an email from my dad tonight reminding me how strong I am. "You seem to have been able to accomplish anything, pass any test and muster uncommon power to do what you have needed to do." Yes, I thought, yes! That is the girl I need to be right now. Everything I have been. I need all of me, right now.
The little barefoot girl that was up for anything, and worried about nothing. I need her now. I also need the teenager that carefully, patiently formed a plan to get josh. Waited for years until he noticed me, and in the mean time, became something he might want. Played my cards just right. I also need the determined college girl. Who could sit still for five hours at a time in a library, settling for nothing below a 95% on all my exams for nursing school. Who walked around campus like she was on top of the world. I need the young mom who has no idea what she has gotten herself into, but plows through just the same. The one who decides she will learn how to cook, and how to balance. The one who decides that she should make a little money, and starts her own business because she can. I need the Alisa that has been down this road before. The one who made it nine months through treatments, and came out of it stronger, happier, and more confident than ever.
And I do need that Alisa in Italy. Her I need maybe the most. But I just need her to stay there, in the the future. She will help just by looking out over the sea. Because I know I will be right there one day. And that will keep me going.
8:00 am tomorrow morning. We show ourselves what we are made of. All of me fights. Together.