Sunday, January 29, 2012

calling all alisas

Progressing to stage IV was nothing like I envisioned. I have taken my passport with me to every Dr. appointment, just in case. In the event of bad news I was on the first plane to Italy. Josh could go home to pack and meet me there maybe the next day. "Just come and find me on some cobbled street looking out over the sea." I would smile brilliantly in all the photos, like There was no danger. I would chunk up on pizza, come home refreshed and ready for what was next. It was a great plan.

But no. No desire to get in a plane. Only an urgent need to stay put and hold my ground. To go home and be normal for a just a little while longer. To sit at the piano again with James. To finish painting Sam's bedroom wall with him. To take Luke mini golfing at the trashy fun center. What a funny reaction. I never would have guessed.

But tonight has not felt normal. Tonight Sam couldn't sleep because he was scared. "Scared of what, Sam?" "Of everything." After a stirring speech on bravery, to which Sam gave a courageous nod to each point, I softly admitted, "I'm scared too." And then when he fell asleep in my arms I cried like a baby. Cause as careful as I am not to show it, I am scared. Of everything.

I need some help, some source of strength I haven't yet tapped into.

I got an email from my dad tonight reminding me how strong I am. "You seem to have been able to accomplish anything, pass any test and muster uncommon power to do what you have needed to do." Yes, I thought, yes! That is the girl I need to be right now. Everything I have been. I need all of me, right now.

The little barefoot girl that was up for anything, and worried about nothing. I need her now. I also need the teenager that carefully, patiently formed a plan to get josh. Waited for years until he noticed me, and in the mean time, became something he might want. Played my cards just right. I also need the determined college girl. Who could sit still for five hours at a time in a library, settling for nothing below a 95% on all my exams for nursing school. Who walked around campus like she was on top of the world. I need the young mom who has no idea what she has gotten herself into, but plows through just the same. The one who decides she will learn how to cook, and how to balance. The one who decides that she should make a little money, and starts her own business because she can. I need the Alisa that has been down this road before. The one who made it nine months through treatments, and came out of it stronger, happier, and more confident than ever.

And I do need that Alisa in Italy. Her I need maybe the most. But I just need her to stay there, in the the future. She will help just by looking out over the sea. Because I know I will be right there one day. And that will keep me going.

8:00 am tomorrow morning. We show ourselves what we are made of. All of me fights. Together.

18 comments:

  1. Beautifully put Alisa! We're behind you 100%! GO, FIGHT, WIN!

    We Love you!

    Leah

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  2. I know that old dance partner of Josh's was left in the dust, as well as any other girl that looked his way. If you can win so superiorly then, you can do it again. Not just fight, but leave this cancer in the dust.

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  3. Beautiful words!! I am scared too, my scared is different then your's but please know your an AMAZING Alisa.. You have a sweet family and sweet boys and a hubby who loves you so much.. Fight the FIGHT!!

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  4. Go Alisa!!! All of them!! You are amazing! Thank you for always sharing beautiful words and bringing me to tears. Fight on!

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  5. I love this post. You are all of those, Alisa, and I love them all. Good luck!

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  6. I know I could not do all you do. I would be scared more than you if I had to go through any of what you did. You are so sweet and so stong. Your #1 in our book we all Love you

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  7. I feel so lucky to have known all of those Alisas, but mostly glad I know you now. Good luck! Dad is totally right and you do accomplish what you set out to do. I have always admired your courage.

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  8. I so know that barefoot girl! And it didn't seem like it took too much effort to get Josh to notice you. :) Thanks for taking the time to update and share your feelings. You're awesome!

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  9. You've got this.... you are so amazing!

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  10. Alisa, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I've always felt Heavenly Father gives his best soldiers, the toughest battles to fight. You ARE amazingly strong, admired and loved by so many, and a true disciple of Christ. It's ok to be scared. You are doing everything you can do, meanwhile being a great example to the rest of us. The Lord will do all the rest. We love you, are praying for you, and hope nothing but the best for you and your family! ~Jodi Nelson

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  11. Alisa, you're one of the strongest, most determined people I have ever known. All of that strength and determination is showing through. Plus, you have all our prayers and love. You will be in my thoughts every day. Best of luck!

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  12. Good luck! You have lots who do know you praying their guts out for you. You have a way with words! My goodness, I haven't had a good cry like this for a while. Keep up the fight-you ARE going to win!

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  13. Cheering from the sidelines.
    -Julia

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  14. Love this post. You are an example to us all. We love you so much.

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  16. I was just chatting with a friend today and she said, "I think health is everything." And I IMMEDIATELY thought of you. And I told her, "I don't think so. Because if it were everything, then those who have cancer would think "all is lost." And I know that you know all is not lost because you taught me that. The Alisa I got to know during the biggest trial in her life taught me (the way I interpreted it anyway) that cancer can't beat a person and a person can't beat cancer. Cancer will always be there in someone else or even lurking in your mind. Cancer doesn't make someone stronger, that PERSON makes them stronger as they rely on their faith as they feel the encouragement of others to keep going. Even in this post I can tell that you are still looking forward. You are braver than you think! I'm sure there were a lot of Stripling Warriors crying on their way to battle. I hope you feel the prayers!

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