coping

Sometimes I wonder how we made it through the week, what with all our anxiety. Tomorrow we will see what changes have been made to my cancer (this afternoon I have the scans done, tomorrow we get results). Of all the scans we have had in the past, this by far the most intimidating.

I have been so very unproductive this week. Luckily, we have had some things to keep us going.

*James turned 11, so we had a party to plan and carry out. Presents to shop for. We had piano and homework. Karate and scouts. Beautiful spring-like weather called for an afternoon at the park with cousins.

I had a most lovely overnight this weekend with some of my dearest friends from nursing school. It was a fabulous distraction. We laughed about the grossest things, and cried about the sweetest. My bff is the perfect hostess. She brought up chocolate ganache and strawberries. Need I say more?

Josh and I were able to go to a memorial service for our friend from high school, Bradford Garrison (Bradford Bruce Garrison Obituary on Deseret Newsm.legacy.comOnline obituary for Bradford Garrison. Read Bradford Garrison’s life story, offer tributes/condolences, send flowers or create a Bradford Garrison online memorial.). The program deserves a post of its own. It was so beautiful! I will always remember the stirrings of hope and love and sorrow I felt for such a great guy and his family. Rest in peace, Bradford, you are loved! My funeral is going to be SO boring compared to yours!:)

*We have housekeepers. They come once a week and do the deep cleaning. I just tried to imagine what things might look like around here without them. Not pretty. I should have more time for other things because of their help, but I'm telling you accomplishments around here have been few and far between. I know I should work to get rid of the worry, but that doesn't seem possible this week! Next week, yes.

*We pray. We are prayed for. My faith in God is strong. But honestly, when I think this is in God's hands, it sometimes scares me. I like to have control. To give this up to Someone else is not always comforting. I am forced to work on my faith every day. Deep breaths and lots of little prayers. "“I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

*We hang out with the kids. They have their moments, but for the most part are happiness and fun. I actually do really well when the kids are around, spirits high.

*We have hope. What are small chances to big, huge, high hopes? I do not yet feel like this is taking me down. When I feel healthy like I do now, I am ready to fight again. Yes, by the end of the week on IL-2 I was screaming mercy and had a little breakdown when they told me they were going to do another dose. But now that my mind is clear and I feel fine, I want that poison again and again!

But until I can get back in the hospital, it's a head game.

I trash talk my cancer all the time. Cancer. There are stage 4 cancers with no cure. You are not one of them. I'm watching you. I know where you are. You have mutations. I have weapons. I used to know what you looked like, I kept you away for years. Now I just need a little help remembering. That is just what we are doing. You going down. Quick. I used to have plan A, B, and C. I decided I don't need them all. Plan A will be good enough. Say your goodbyes.

*****

We are a tough bunch, but sometimes we have breakdowns. And sometimes we are stressed. And sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning and get the kids ready. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we feel a sense of hopelessness about the situation. Maybe lots of times I feel that way.

But sometimes, every now and then, especially on a sunny day like today, I burn with hope and dream about the future. Sometimes a miracle does not sound so far-fetched. In fact, sometimes it feels inevitable.

But why only sometimes? This is confusing. As is my writing today. As are my thoughts. Tomorrow we will have some answers and move forward.

Until then...