Monday, March 12, 2012

coping

Sometimes I wonder how we made it through the week, what with all our anxiety. Tomorrow we will see what changes have been made to my cancer (this afternoon I have the scans done, tomorrow we get results). Of all the scans we have had in the past, this by far the most intimidating.

I have been so very unproductive this week. Luckily, we have had some things to keep us going.

*James turned 11, so we had a party to plan and carry out. Presents to shop for. We had piano and homework. Karate and scouts. Beautiful spring-like weather called for an afternoon at the park with cousins.

I had a most lovely overnight this weekend with some of my dearest friends from nursing school. It was a fabulous distraction. We laughed about the grossest things, and cried about the sweetest. My bff is the perfect hostess. She brought up chocolate ganache and strawberries. Need I say more?

Josh and I were able to go to a memorial service for our friend from high school, Bradford Garrison (Bradford Bruce Garrison Obituary on Deseret Newsm.legacy.comOnline obituary for Bradford Garrison. Read Bradford Garrison’s life story, offer tributes/condolences, send flowers or create a Bradford Garrison online memorial.). The program deserves a post of its own. It was so beautiful! I will always remember the stirrings of hope and love and sorrow I felt for such a great guy and his family. Rest in peace, Bradford, you are loved! My funeral is going to be SO boring compared to yours!:)

*We have housekeepers. They come once a week and do the deep cleaning. I just tried to imagine what things might look like around here without them. Not pretty. I should have more time for other things because of their help, but I'm telling you accomplishments around here have been few and far between. I know I should work to get rid of the worry, but that doesn't seem possible this week! Next week, yes.

*We pray. We are prayed for. My faith in God is strong. But honestly, when I think this is in God's hands, it sometimes scares me. I like to have control. To give this up to Someone else is not always comforting. I am forced to work on my faith every day. Deep breaths and lots of little prayers. "“I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

*We hang out with the kids. They have their moments, but for the most part are happiness and fun. I actually do really well when the kids are around, spirits high.

*We have hope. What are small chances to big, huge, high hopes? I do not yet feel like this is taking me down. When I feel healthy like I do now, I am ready to fight again. Yes, by the end of the week on IL-2 I was screaming mercy and had a little breakdown when they told me they were going to do another dose. But now that my mind is clear and I feel fine, I want that poison again and again!

But until I can get back in the hospital, it's a head game.

I trash talk my cancer all the time. Cancer. There are stage 4 cancers with no cure. You are not one of them. I'm watching you. I know where you are.
You have mutations. I have weapons. I used to know what you looked like, I kept you away for years. Now I just need a little help remembering. That is just what we are doing. You going down. Quick. I used to have plan A, B, and C. I decided I don't need them all. Plan A will be good enough. Say your goodbyes.

*****

We are a tough bunch, but sometimes we have breakdowns. And sometimes we are stressed. And sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning and get the kids ready. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we feel a sense of hopelessness about the situation. Maybe lots of times I feel that way.

But sometimes, every now and then, especially on a sunny day like today, I burn with hope and dream about the future. Sometimes a miracle does not sound so far-fetched. In fact, sometimes it feels inevitable.

But why only sometimes? This is confusing. As is my writing today. As are my thoughts. Tomorrow we will have some answers and move forward.

Until then...

18 comments:

  1. Even your confused thoughts and occasionally drugged actions are beautiful. I have faith and hope for tomorrow. Need you say more ? Yes... Ganache with Oreos. Love you forever.

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    1. Why did I not think to add sleeping pills to my list of coping mechanisms? Glad you got to see me on those (a little more than you wanted to see of me) Jennie:) Of course, the Oreos!

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  2. I don't think a miracle is unrealistic. It is what we are all praying for and what this weather denotes is on the horizon for tomorrow. Sending all our prayers, faith, and miracles your way.

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    1. Thanks Lisa, your tulips are helping my spirits every day.

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  3. Your thoughts are not confusing, they are perfect. So many people are gaining strength from your words. Thank you for them.

    I have to say though, I'm nervous for you too, for the results. May they be positive!

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  4. You are one amazing coper. (Is that a word?) Seriously, though, I am impressed. I am praying so hard for good results tomorrow. Good luck tonight--I can't help but believe you'll get your miracle.

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    1. Thanks Sonj. There are enough miracles to go around, right?

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  5. Good luck with the scans today. I am sending all my good energy and positive thoughts your way. Hang in there Alisa, Spring is on its way!

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  6. I like your cancer trash talk... "You are going down!"

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    1. I need to sit by you at ward ball and take lessons. You got trash talk skills.

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  7. You are incredible. I have been feeling good vibes all day about the scans. Can't wait to hear results.

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  8. Good Luck with the scans. I hope you get the most WONDERFUL news today. You truly are amazing. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. You are amazing and inspire me to be a better person!

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  9. I'm back in town to join the energy! I love you

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  10. I only know you from your blog, but I'm praying hard for you! You can beat this!! I put your name in the temple last week too. Good luck.

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  11. Hey, it's Brittany's little sister =) Just so you know, you are getting prayers from Missouri everyday, too. No joke. Everyday.

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