yellowstone

I'm sure many of you know about the "Make a Wish" foundation. They grant wishes to children facing life-threatening medical conditions. They try and make it possible to meet anyone, do anything, have anything, or go anywhere (there are limitations, but I don't know the rules).

Can you imagine someone asking what you want?

So it has been fun to talk with Steven about his wish. From the beginning he seemed sure, "I want to go to Yellowstone." Sonja and I had to think quick. Yellowstone?! That is only 6 hour drive from our house, and a super cheap entry fee. "But Steven, we will take you to Yellowstone just as soon as you are done with chemo. We can do that as our celebration trip!" This seemed to satisfy him for a while. He has had lots of different ideas since of what he is going to wish for.

So at the conclusion of chemo we set out for the long awaited trip. Don't get me wrong, Yellowstone is a very incredible place. You really do have to make that happen if you haven't been there. There is a reason the country set the land aside for the first National Park. The experience (at least with little kids) consists mostly of driving around the park looking for wildlife, and walking along a series of boardwalks to stare at the earth. And somehow that is enough to make it super fun.

Yellowstone has half of the world's geothermic features due to the huge volcano it sits on top of. The landscape is so strange, sometimes you think you are on the moon, or in some lost, burning forest. There are breathtaking landscapes at every turn. Buffalo roaming the streets. Beautiful colors made by bacteria colonies in the water below. And then of course, there are the geysers.

Steven was the perfect guide around the park. He loves non-fiction and has read up on all aspects of Yellowstone. He has some sort of crazy interest in the geysers. Their names, when they go off, why the go off, etc. He was happier than I had seen him in 9 months. He trooped around with his crutches, clinging to his geyser guide, bugged that we would move on when he only had a few minutes at a place, or if we skipped something. We were all pretty pooped by the end of the day, but he just wanted to keep on going.

The last day, while in our van, he was struck by a brilliant idea: "I know what I could ask for for my make a wish! I could ask to name one of the lesser known mud pots! And then of course..." A large grin crept over his face, "they would have to take me here to see it...."

So, there was a little back fire situation, which has been known to ruin some of my better ideas. We will see what he decides to wish for in the end. I think he has to decide in the next two weeks. Dream big Steven!

and the news is....

GOOD! They saw nothing. I am so relieved. This gives me Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my 33rd birthday before I have to go in for another scan in January. So happy!

good signs

Scans were fast today. No Dr.s coming in to consult. No techs changing my position. When there has been question I have had at least some sort of delay. I am going to take this as a really good sign, and hope there is nothing to talk to Dr. about on Wednesday. I will for sure keep you posted after my appointment.

All of Steven's tests this week looked good! We are so thrilled about it.

scan week

The blog has been neglected lately. I thought I would be better at keeping it up with the kids in school, but it hasn't helped much. Hopefully I can start making time for it. I just posted about Steven's chemo completion. We celebrated this weekend with a lovely trip to Yellowstone that I will have to share ASAP.

This week Steven and I have our every 3 month scans. Steven's are tomorrow and mine are on Friday. I haven't had much time to stress about it. There are certainly some moments of panic when I think about how everything could change so quickly. But mostly, I just want to get them over with and enjoy the holiday season until we have to do this all over again. I am trying to read into the fact that the same day we get results (the 2nd) we fly out to Disney World to play while Josh attends a conference. Hoping it will be another celebration trip!

last day of chemo

Very emotional today as my nephew was sung the "Happy Last Day of Chemo" song by the nurses on his unit.

I cried because I am so proud of him. Because he was such a trooper. Because he has a great future ahead of him.

I cried because he will have to use crutches to walk to his car. I cried because he can't have his leg back.

I cried because his family will now get to go back to a somewhat normal life. I cried because people think you can go back to a normal life, but I know it will be hard to find normal again.

I cried because I am so happy for them. Because they can close this chapter. I cried because I'm so sad for them. That they ever had to get mixed up in this mess.

I cried because it's not fair. Because life can be so hard.

I cried because there is such a thing as cancer. I cried because anyone has to have chemo ever. I cried because I can't have any chemo.

I cried because once they sang the song to me. I cried then too, although I didn't know why I was crying.

But mostly I cried because my sister cried. Because she has had to deal with this for such a long time. And she will be dealing with cancer and it's after effects for a long time. I cried because she has been so strong. And just because I love her.

So many reasons to cry today. But HOORAY the chemo is over!

there is a season

I am a little conflicted to see the seasons change this year. I think of last year at this time I had been craving some big change. You know that feeling? I just felt something had to happen. The biggest change I could think of was a move. Like out-of-the-state kind of move. We tried a couple of things with Josh's company, but neither or them worked out. I tried my best to talk him into Singapore. I was serious and restless.

Now I would be so happy to keep everything the same. Just the same. No one grow up, no one move on. Where is the pause button? I want to push it in September.

But October has made such a good first impression on me!

I have been a distracted driver this week as I can't keep my eyes off these beautiful mountains! "What is going on up there?!" I kept asking the kids.

Finally tonight I got to go up and see what it was all about. Wow. Imagine this: Below me to my right, snow melting slowly into a field of wildflowers. In the distance mountains saturated in the colors of fall. A mountain goat grazes and above him, a double rainbow. To my left I watch the sun sinking on the valley where I live, spilling it's light through rain and rainclouds. The lake is shining and the valley is still green. There is thunder echoing through the skies. It was like I had all the seasons together in one place. A place I see from far away outside my front window every day.

It kind of made me sick that I could have ever been unhappy here.

It's interesting how I have changed since last year. I got to learn all the lessons cancer taught me the first time, again. And they were even more powerful. Even though I'm in the same state, same city, same house...I am in a different place. A really, really good place. Hope I can get some time to explain why I think this is the case.

October is of course the month of my next scans. The date is set for the 28th. I have an appointment with the Dr. November 2nd to get the results (no more waiting for phone calls for me).

I wondered how I would be at this point. Everyone I read about on the internet that has gone through the 'watch and wait' approach seem to agree that "You get used to it." I thought that meant that I would get used to being sad and anxious. I was so wrong. I am hardly ever sad and only rarely worry anymore. And yes, that's pretty easy to get used to.

fate is kind...right?

Kind of an anniversary of sorts. September 21st. In 2007 it was the day I found out my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and was considered serious. Saddest day. In 2010 it was the day they gave me a clean bill of health. Happiest day.

I can't even describe the high I was on. I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do, nothing I wouldn't do, nothing to hold me back, ever again. Like I had all the time in the world.

Well, if nothing else, I lived like that for 6 glorious months. I hope I get to do that again.

My family puts on a little film festival this time every year and my entry was going to be a cute little show of our cancer free celebration at Disneyland.

My story book ending.

Of course I didn't expect the evil villain cancer show up again. BOOOO!!!

The little part I talk to the kids on the couch is a year ago today. I love their reactions to the news. I get a weak cheer for the no cancer news, but watch them light up at the mention of Disneyland. I also love their personalities reacting to the news. James, who would plug his ears when he was 6 at any mention of cancer, is maybe the only one that really gets what any of this means. He thinks about it silently, hiding his face so we won't see any tears. Luke, who insists on buttoning up his polo and tucking in his shirts, is worried about missing school. Sam's shirt is nowhere to be seen and he is ready to take off with the plane today. Are you kidding him? "Who cares? Let's go to Disneyland today!" Love my little guys!