hu?

So the plans were these:  Three weeks from now we scan.  If there is no major progression, one more cycle of IL-2 beginning in May, ending in May. 

This morning I am just out of bed and almost into my clothes again.  With a whole month home to recover I was feeling really pretty good.  The boys are on spring break and were enjoying their first day with their grandparents.  I got to do some housework and this afternoon I stood in the sunshine spilling into the kitchen.  I smiled and put my hands behind me to arc my back.  I stopped short.  And gasped.  There was something foreign (yet familiar) under my fingers.  Right next to my spine.  That hard marble lump that I have said good bye to twice. 

I don't know what you are supposed to do when you find something like this...again.  But I freaked out.  Ginger and I laid on the bed and I sobbed into her tight curly neck.  My mind full of all kinds of bad thoughts.  I finally pulled myself together and called Josh.  Poor guy has been taking care of me all week and all weekend (we have had some horrible nights) and just got back to work and gets a call from me.  "I found something.  It's a tumor on my back, Josh!!" 

I called the Dr.s office.  The nurse practitioner said we will try and not scan early.  As long as it's not causing pain, growing rapidly, or other tumors start popping up, we wait three weeks to scan.  We hope that this will respond just like the one on my neck.  That maybe the immune response I am having is making it flare up, and will eventually melt it.  Please be the case.

If it does start to cause trouble we would most likely radiate, and then I don't know if we could still get another cycle of IL-2 in, or if we would move to the next drug.  Trying really hard not to worry about it. 

Mental battle begins.  I cannot waste 3 weeks in worry.  I can win this one.  But man, it's going to be tough.

****

They mentioned that IL-2 patients have very vivid dreams.  I read a girl's experience where she was traumatized by the nightmares she had.  Well I had a nightmare one night last week:  I had stage IV melanoma.  The Dr.s said there is no cure at this stage.  I was going through this horrible treatment.

And then I woke up.  I was in the middle of this horrible treatment.  The Dr.s have told me there is no cure at my stage.  I did have stage IV melanoma.  Yikes!!!