of limits

The tumor in my back has doubled in size as far as we can tell.  I will call the Dr. tomorrow and see what that is all about.  I am guessing they will do radiation on it.  Eight days ago (last Sat.) Josh gave me a massage and smothered my back with an anti-itch lotion (I have itchy skin after IL-2).  There was nothing palpable.  Two days later a very noticeable tumor was next to the spine.  You could even see it when I bent over.  It did not hurt last week.  Now it does hurt to touch and also just at the end of the day.  Yes, melanoma tumors can grow that fast.

I have been thinking a lot about limits.  How I so carefully set them for myself.  And maybe this is just a coping mechanism.  "I can handle this until _____, at which point I will not be okay."  A line is drawn.  It used to be that I said I can handle this until it gets to my spine or brain.  CNS involvement is not okay (although this could be just under the skin, and not really in the spine).  But you know what?  You cross the lines you drew, and you can handle it.  Somehow.  Somehow I get out of bed and take care of the kids (and this week try to make spring break fun for them) and do a little housework and date my husband and go to church and walk the dog and I don't know...keep moving.  And I bet I could even do this if there was something in my brain.  I would have to.  People have their limits, but I bet they are much higher than they think.

My friend Cory wrote a post on his blog mentioning me.  This is a guy who runs 100 mile races.  I think that 10 miles is my limit, but honestly?  I suppose if I trained and trained and worked and worked, I guess a normal person like me could run this kind of race.   I would have to start by losing the limits. 

Cory wants to be there when I run my next half marathon.  I don't know, can you do halves after you beat cancer?  Seems like you would have to go all the way.  Marathon 2013?  Anyone?