Wednesday, January 18, 2012

birthday to me.

Today I turn 33.

I have had a bad feeling since I left to get my PET scans yesterday. It never went away. I called the Dr.'s office this morning and pulled the birthday card (do those exist?) and told them I just had to know the results today so I could relax.

They called me back all right. My Dr. is in India so his partner, a female with a beautiful voice kindly went over the results. "So...it looks like there are a number of places that show metastasis. This is a very different scan than any of your previous scans. We see cancer in the hips, the femur, a couple of places in the liver, a spot in the thigh, and maybe some possible places deep in the chest."

I thought when this news came I would say something eloquent, brave, or otherwise interesting. But no. "Oh...that...sucks." "I know, I'm so sorry I had to tell you over the phone, it's only because you requested." I asked if we needed to biopsy one of those 'spots' to see if it was for sure cancer. She said no, everything is consistent with cancer. I was worried that my surgeon was out of town, but basically, we are beyond surgery here. We need a systemic treatment that will work. Fast.

I spent a few hours in the hospital today getting a brain MRI (please leave my brain alone!). It was a pretty pathetic scene. My head was strapped still for 30 minutes. I was alone in a small tube with huge thoughts and loud noises. I soaked the pads they had on the sides of my head with tears. Half way through the scan the tech said through his microphone, "Are you doing okay?" "Yes." "Oh, and happy birthday! I just noticed that!"

The American Cancer Society is the official sponsor of birthdays. I used to be strict about birthday parties. The kids understood they could only have a big friend birthday party when they turned 4, 8, 12, 16, and 18. The other years we could do something fun with a friend or two, or have a family party. Cancer changed that rule pretty quick. When we have a birthday, any age, we go big. Where every you want, with whomever you want. Luckily they don't have expensive tastes yet, and only invite boys so we don't really have to impress. Every year is a miracle and precious gift to be celebrated!

When I came home tonight the boys ran up to me (we had talked with them on the phone about the news) and with big smiles and hugs saying "Birthday! Birthday!!" They explained they couldn't say happy birthday, because it wasn't happy at all. I include a video from tonight. They wanted to sing the song without the happy.

I haven't taken my coat off all day because I have these nervous chills. I am hugely distracted and confused. I would be half way to California by now if I didn't have to get this all sorted out here. Is the sun shining somewhere? Is there a girl in a sundress on some beach collecting shells? Are her children digging motes and laughing in the background? Does she have an ugly mole sticking out on her back? Should we not warn her?

19 comments:

  1. We are so sorry Alisa. There were many tears and questions when Ashkii told all of us last night. Rachel said we just have to pray for you every day. I hope you know that we will be praying, with all of our might!

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    1. I am so honored to be the mother of one who is going through her trials with such poise and faith.

      I wish everyone could read your Dad's latest talk, he recorded it yesterday for a regional broadcast. I will post it on the family blog. If anyone else wants it, email me, jill1955@gmail.com and I will get it to you.

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  2. My heart is breaking for you all please know that you are all in my prayers love Suzanne Campbell

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  3. I am seriously hoping that if you couldn't have a happy birthday you will at least get your birthday wish. I love you!

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  4. Your in my thoughts and prayers Alisa. I am so sad to hear this, it breaks my heart. You are so loved and so strong!

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  5. We haven't stopped thinking about you since we heard. We're praying hard.

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  6. Oh, Alisa! How I wish I could make it all go away! You never cease to amaze me how you hold it all together! My heart aches for your family. I'm so sorry. And you're right - it does suck! We are also praying for you!

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  7. I'm praying so hard that you get your birthday wish Alisa. I'm not sure I can sing the "Happy" part of a birthday song ever again now! Our prayers are with you and your all day. Love you all so much!

    Now I've got my coat on for the same reason you do.

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  8. UGH!!! Alisa, Josh- I seriously cannot stop crying, I am so sad and I am so sorry. Loved your cute boys in the video, as I have told you before Alisa, but you are simply amazing- though you don't want to be! I agree Cancer SUCKS.. our prayers continue for you and Josh and your sweet boys. I love you guys and I am so sorry, please know if you need anything- I am here!

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  9. Metastasis on your birthday. This is definitely worthy of a trip to Italy. We're sending prayers and hope your way.

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  10. Laughing at the song with tears running down my face.

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  11. Oh Alisa, My heart breaks for you!! There just aren't words.... You're such a fighter and an inspiration to everyone!! Love u.

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  12. I hate all of this. I shouldn't have read this at work because I might be a wreck teaching class.

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  13. I don't even know what to say, I can't stop crying. We love you and pray for you. You are a fighter, and are amazingly strong.

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  14. I am so sorry, Alisa and Josh. I love you and am praying for miracles.

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  15. Alisa, Casey and I are so sorry to hear this news. My heart is just breaking for you and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since. You are in our prayers as well as Josh and your cute boys.

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  16. Your strength and determination never cease to amaze me. A weaker person (like myself) could never handle things like this as well as you. Love you forever.

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  17. For the love Alisa! It gives me the chills too. I would be a wreck!! How do you hold it together? You amaze me!

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  18. Love and prayers your way from Colorado, Alisa.

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