One week of school behind us, and it was not what I had planned.
There might have been a few fights over homework with one child. Yelling-at-him, threatening-him kind of fights. I have had to put myself in timeout with the child.
Another child is in this pre-teen stage that is so foreign to him, and to me. A little "Why should I?" on the side with anything I ask. "Why?" Constantly. Like a two year old, minus the cuteness. Not acceptable.
I also had my first argument with Josh (the kind that produces tears) in I don't even know how long. Maybe 2 years?
I have been dreaming of moving. Bugged again by the size of my yard, the cramped closets, the same old view. Things I swore off ever complaining about again.
Even though I've gotten a bunch of random things done this week, I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for all my extra time.
In short, I am getting frustrated. Which feels very...normal. Like I
used to feel.
When I realized this it made me
And frown because...aren't those lessons permanent? Don't I get to keep that perspective? Are my days still going to be hard if I live? I never really considered this. It has been so easy to say that I truly just want life itself. But I don't know, the longer I'm around, the more I'm demanding. For whatever reason, I am needing more these days than to just feel good.
And I do feel so good. I even went running this week for the first time since they radiated the cancer in my bones (January). I didn't get very far, but I felt no pain. I think I now know what it feels like to win a race. Victory in every step. Couldn't stop smiling.
Tomorrow I see the Dr. and start the chemo pill (Temodar) again. Hovering over the toilet is a great way to get a little perspective back. :)