Tuesday, August 28, 2012

beggars can't be choosers

One week of school behind us, and it was not what I had planned.

There might have been a few fights over homework with one child.  Yelling-at-him, threatening-him kind of fights.  I have had to put myself in timeout with the child.

Another child is in this pre-teen stage that is so foreign to him, and to me.  A little "Why should I?" on the side with anything I ask.  "Why?"  Constantly.  Like a two year old,  minus the cuteness.  Not acceptable. 

I also had my first argument with Josh (the kind that produces tears) in I don't even know how long.  Maybe 2 years? 

I have been dreaming of moving.  Bugged again by the size of my yard, the cramped closets, the same old view.  Things I swore off ever complaining about again. 

Even though I've gotten a bunch of random things done this week, I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for all my extra time.   

In short, I am getting frustrated.  Which feels very...normal.  Like I used to feel.

When I realized this it made me smile.

And frown because...aren't those lessons permanent?  Don't I get to keep that perspective?  Are my days still going to be hard if I live?  I never really considered this.  It has been so easy to say that I truly just want life itself.  But I don't know, the longer I'm around, the more I'm demanding.  For whatever reason, I am needing more these days than to just feel good.

And I do feel so good.  I even went running this week for the first time since they radiated the cancer in my bones (January).  I didn't get very far, but I felt no pain.  I think I now know what it feels like to win a race.  Victory in every step.  Couldn't stop smiling. 

Tomorrow I see the Dr. and start the chemo pill (Temodar) again.  Hovering over the toilet is a great way to get a little perspective back. :)


  1. I'll be there in spirit with you at the doctor's tomorrow Alisa. Thinking about you all the time. xxx

  2. I am SO glad that you are feeling good! If you need a toilet hovering buddy - call... I'm still on the nauseous side myself!

  3. If you are running, maybe you and me should run a 5k in October! I need a motivator!

  4. Turns out...life keeps happening to us, even when other things are happening to us. I tend to think this is a good thing. Keeps it real.

    Good luck tomorrow Alisa. Love you!

  5. You truly are an inspiration Alisa!!

  6. My kids are pretty grumpy the first few weeks of school too and they arent dealing with cancer (okay, at least not as much) as your kids are. Thanks for your help today. I feel like i can conquer this mess I am in now.

  7. It's a good thing when the "normal" begins to bug us...that means we are in the "normal" frame of mind...and goodness knows, you can use that! Brent always refers to Maslows Hierarchy when I complain about a situation...something else always comes along to "fill" that top space!
    Much love coming your way..sorry about the s/as of Temodar.
    And yeah, those pre-teen years..delightful intros into the actual "teen years"..and as everyone of my kids has said (as gtownups) "I wasn't all that bad as a teenager...was I?"
    Love you-

  8. You are wonderful Alisa. I think about you and your little family all the time.

  9. Big smile from me. I was up at 6 am doing math homework (not mine, I graduated)

  10. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you!!! Sending you and your family LOTS OF LOVE!