beggars can't be choosers

One week of school behind us, and it was not what I had planned.

There might have been a few fights over homework with one child.  Yelling-at-him, threatening-him kind of fights.  I have had to put myself in timeout with the child.

Another child is in this pre-teen stage that is so foreign to him, and to me.  A little "Why should I?" on the side with anything I ask.  "Why?"  Constantly.  Like a two year old,  minus the cuteness.  Not acceptable. 

I also had my first argument with Josh (the kind that produces tears) in I don't even know how long.  Maybe 2 years? 

I have been dreaming of moving.  Bugged again by the size of my yard, the cramped closets, the same old view.  Things I swore off ever complaining about again. 

Even though I've gotten a bunch of random things done this week, I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for all my extra time.   

In short, I am getting frustrated.  Which feels very...normal.  Like I used to feel.

When I realized this it made me smile.

And frown because...aren't those lessons permanent?  Don't I get to keep that perspective?  Are my days still going to be hard if I live?  I never really considered this.  It has been so easy to say that I truly just want life itself.  But I don't know, the longer I'm around, the more I'm demanding.  For whatever reason, I am needing more these days than to just feel good.

And I do feel so good.  I even went running this week for the first time since they radiated the cancer in my bones (January).  I didn't get very far, but I felt no pain.  I think I now know what it feels like to win a race.  Victory in every step.  Couldn't stop smiling. 

Tomorrow I see the Dr. and start the chemo pill (Temodar) again.  Hovering over the toilet is a great way to get a little perspective back. :)