Monday, September 10, 2012

lead thou me on

A big day at the hospital.  Head-to-toe PET/CT scan and a brain MRI.  Six hours of what used to be torture (being poked, holding still, waiting around), really wasn't so bad today.   During the MRI they played some choice music, including some of my favorite songs of all time, and I wondered if the radiologist will read a smile on my face.  It was there the whole time.  With no medication in the bloodstream but the radioactive tracers and contrast dye.

And I even have the patience to wait till tomorrow for the results.  No problem.  In fact, I could wait a week without wanting to know the news.  But come tomorrow it will.  And who knows?  It's anybody's game at this point.  Right?

I used to think of upcoming scans as brick walls.  Unbreakable, cold, impossible obstacles preventing me from planning a day beyond them.  We have lived in these three month chunks (which will now be shortened to 2 month chunks, by the way) with barriers at both ends.  The wall is broken down only by getting through the day they tell you the news, and then you can see what the next chunk should be filled with.  Treatment, sickness, fear, joy, hope?  Then you can plan.  But only to the next wall. So you see, you are always trapped.  With no end in site. 

But tonight I am reshaping that image.  I am adding a door.  When you plan a garden (I remember hearing on some garden show, P. Allen Smith?), you create 'rooms' with a little teaser entrance into the next space.  An opening that intrigues and lures you to another place, with a different design and feeling.  So behind the door that is tomorrow is just another place that I get to enjoy after loving the space I left behind. 

"Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distance scene, one step enough for me."

Enough cheese.

Trying not to read into the fact that it is September 11th tomorrow, and the forecast calls for rain, wind, and thunderstorms.  Yikes!

I nailed an old horseshoe we found when we were building this house above the front door to counter my superstitions.  We have come up with a few fun stories about its origins (Butch Cassidy rode through these parts after all).  I will walk under it tomorrow on my way to the hospital while throwing some salt over my shoulder, crossing my fingers, and saying a prayer.  And maybe someday the legend will conclude that the woman who found that horseshoe, a hundred years later, turned out to be a very lucky woman indeed. 

Not super likely.  Stay tuned...


  1. Hey Alisa,

    This is Liz Dunford we moved out of the neighborhood 4 years ago. I have been reading your blog to keep updated. I can't believe how old your boys are. They are a handsome group:) You are such an inspiration to so many people. I admire how you handle any type of news and you press forward with such courage. You are an amzaing person. Good Luck today. I will be thinking of you!! May God bless you and your family!!!! - Liz

  2. Alisa - It rained the day Scott and I got married - but it cleared and turned out to be the best day of my life! Come rub my newly bald head for some luck after you toss the salt and walk under the horseshoe! Love you- you are awesome!

  3. Thinking of you as you get the results today, thinking of Josh and the boys as well..w only can understand a tiny bit of what your family has endured! Please know we continue to pray and be a support. Love you guys!!

  4. I think the legend also says that she is incredibly smart, inspires everyone that she comes in contact with, is absolutely gorgeous and lives her life so beautifully!!!!!! You and your family will be in our prayers and thoughts today! Love, Stephanie Ingram

  5. I believe in lucky horse shoes and gardens and doors. Beautiful words Alisa, and we will stay tuned!