and all the skies are grey today

I just got got a call from the Dr.'s office letting me know I have been approved to take part in the trial. Although I was assured that we would be able to start injections this week, there is no room in the cancer hospital for me until Monday. Monday at 4 is the earliest we can start. They can't do the randomization (to see if I get the vaccine or the other drug) unless I can start injections within 24 hours. So I won't know till Sunday night if I even get to do the vaccine. I have surgery scheduled for Tuesday in case I get chosen to the other arm of the trial.

I have been praying to just get this over with. Prayers, temple, fasting, swearing. None of these are giving me any speed here. I never imagined I would have to wait another weekend! I tried everything today! Bawling over the phone, begging on my knees (I guess they didn't see that), having my cute 5 year old talk a little louder so they might take pitty on this MOTHER. I even sicked Josh on them. Nothing.

Pretty sure I could pull off a STAT trip tonight to Italy, but can't get a bed in a hospital 15 miles away until Monday?

I realize the perfect situation would have been a faster approach. But second opinions seem always to be a good idea. It takes a week to get into anyone, and then they tell you to go to someone else, etc. Scans take a week to get scheduled for. Then we find things on them, then I change my mind. Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. I asked one surgeon to just take the dang thing out and then we can decide what to do, and he said don't take it out without a plan. I was refurred to MD Anderson by a dertmatologist, they called and said 2 weeks until the appointment, and then you have to have the workups etc. We would be looking at 3 weeks out to get into anything down there.

Obviously if there were a clear cut, great option, I would be well into that. With such poor response rates to current treatment, it is not all black and white.

It could be worse. I didn't have a dermatologist appointment until 2 weeks later than the day I had the first metastasis removed. Thank you to my endocrinologist!! I would have no idea this thing was going on inside if I wouldn't have had that little spot growing on my leg. Thank you small wart-like lesion! I can feel the tumor in my leg if I press really hard on just the right spot. I would never come up with that if I didn't know where to look. And I was NOT looking for cancer. I was cured, remember?

Look, if this cancer is inclined to stay in the leg, it will do just that for a while. If it has decided to break loose, it is probably in the system. I am putting my life in the hands of this Dr. and I don't need to be told things are going too slowly, because trust me, I know. I want this thing resolved pretty bad. I have to wake up to this nightmare every morning. And all I've had to battle this Beast is asparagus and berries?!! Worst weapons ever!!!

This has taken every ounce of strength of mind I have. And I am running out.

When you come over to talk to me about it I may ask you to cut the dang things out with my bread knife. I will tell you this situation is driving me crazy and I can't believe I'm not is some cancer ward puking my guts out. But please don't diss my Dr., because that will not help me heal. Let that anxiety be mine. It's kind of like how you can complain about your mom, but no body else can. (Not you, mom). I am putting my life in this guys' hands. All the opinions pointed to this Dr., and no one would be happy unless I was in his care. Well, this is what he is telling me to do. He is the best out there and I really like him. I have to trust him.

Sorry to ramble. I feel like hiding under my sheets and never coming out. I'm sorry I'm not answering the phone or door today, I can't take it. I suppose I'm in the depths of despair. Plus I'm angry. Two horrible feelings.