Sunday, February 26, 2012

filing a complaint

Happy to be ending this week. Honestly, I've been ornery. Wednesday morning (the morning I was just starting to feel normal again). I had to drive back to the hospital for an outpatient infusion. One I don't remember anyone telling me about, so when Josh reminded me the day before I was just angry. It is the drug Zometa, which is used to help repair bones in the case of metastasis and maybe something that IL-2 does to me? Like I said, I don't remember talking about this. And I am so alarmed when I am reminded there is cancer in my bones anyway, it never sits well with me. At any rate, that night I came down with an awful fever and chills that we just couldn't do anything about, and then pain in my bones to rival any pain I had ever experienced. My shoulders were popping loud with every movement, and did I mention hurting? I didn't sleep at all that night. We called the Dr. in the morning as my fever of over 101 was still hanging around, and oh, my shoulders! They had us come back to the hospital to make sure I didn't have an infection anywhere. Which I didn't, I was just having the bad side effects to the Zometa. They said it would most likely be bad just on the first infusion. I guess I have to do this once a month. But to be sick an entire week out of my 4 week recovery period has been unacceptable. Saturday was the first day I woke up without flu like symptoms. I am finally over the fever, but very weak.

My family has also been sick, I have had a kid home with a fever all week. Josh even has one today. It's not like my illness is stopping anything else from happening. We got a flat tire, I have to go to the dentist, we still have homework to worry about, chores to do, hair to wash, and what do we have to look forward to?

I try not to feel sorry for myself too often, but today Josh asked what we would be doing right now without cancer. And then he reminded me we would be getting ready for our race and planning our trip to Spain. Well that did it! I would be studying up on Europe! It was the only thing on my calendar for 2012. We bought the tickets partly just to have something on that calendar. That something to look forward to. They were for the end of May, and it just isn't going to work out with my treatments. I hadn't given myself time to grieve over the loss of that trip. I know that I will get over there again, and it will all work out, but tonight I'm letting myself feel bad about it.

Last night as I tucked Luke in he said (in his most sincere voice, with his most sincere eyes) "Mom, I'm sorry you have cancer and all that stuff." So am I baby boy, so am I.

ps
I am just finishing up a little valentine for Josh that I am putting on the blog late. I wrote it last Saturday. Make sure you scroll down and check it out. Josh rocks.

9 comments:

  1. Alisa,
    I've been thinking about you and what it must really be like to go through your treatments, and can't even imagine how awful that must be! All the while, still trying to live a normal life with those around you. Thinking of you, and praying for your little family. Much love, Jodi Nelson

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    1. Thanks Jodi, sometimes it does feel normal, thank goodness.

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  2. I'm with Luke on this one; I'm so sorry you have to have cancer and all that stuff. I really am. Hang in there. You can make it to Europe again, I know you can!

    I would love to see the Valentine for Josh, but it's not there. He really does rock!

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    1. I think I got it working now Jill. I have to make it back, thanks for coming the first time with me!

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  3. You can complain whenever you want too! You continue to amaze me and I know none of us can even imagine the pain you have had to endure or how hard it really is. We all look at things from your end and say sorry and we really don't know what your going through. Your AWESOME, please continue to update us and know we are praying for you.. Love you guys!

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  4. Yuck. Hope this week is going better. You are so brave, like Harry Potter when he has to drink skelegro and is up all night. Nerdy, but I've been thinking about that.

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  5. Poor pumpkin. I'm so sorry for your rough week... The popping shoulders thing sends chills up my spine. :(

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  6. You have every reason to have a "poor me" day. I cried watching your video of you and Josh. I love the way you love each other. You were made for each other. You help me remember to appreciate the little things each day, Alisa! Thank you for that. We love you!!

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  7. I have to say the same thing as your son! I can't even imagine what you are going through, it has to be so hard, being sick and going through all the treatments, and the pain and trying to take care of your sweet family and doing the every day things. You really are amazing Alisa, I admire you! I continue to pray for you every day. You will make it to Spain, YOU WILL! :)

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