filing a complaint

Happy to be ending this week. Honestly, I've been ornery. Wednesday morning (the morning I was just starting to feel normal again). I had to drive back to the hospital for an outpatient infusion. One I don't remember anyone telling me about, so when Josh reminded me the day before I was just angry. It is the drug Zometa, which is used to help repair bones in the case of metastasis and maybe something that IL-2 does to me? Like I said, I don't remember talking about this. And I am so alarmed when I am reminded there is cancer in my bones anyway, it never sits well with me. At any rate, that night I came down with an awful fever and chills that we just couldn't do anything about, and then pain in my bones to rival any pain I had ever experienced. My shoulders were popping loud with every movement, and did I mention hurting? I didn't sleep at all that night. We called the Dr. in the morning as my fever of over 101 was still hanging around, and oh, my shoulders! They had us come back to the hospital to make sure I didn't have an infection anywhere. Which I didn't, I was just having the bad side effects to the Zometa. They said it would most likely be bad just on the first infusion. I guess I have to do this once a month. But to be sick an entire week out of my 4 week recovery period has been unacceptable. Saturday was the first day I woke up without flu like symptoms. I am finally over the fever, but very weak.

My family has also been sick, I have had a kid home with a fever all week. Josh even has one today. It's not like my illness is stopping anything else from happening. We got a flat tire, I have to go to the dentist, we still have homework to worry about, chores to do, hair to wash, and what do we have to look forward to?

I try not to feel sorry for myself too often, but today Josh asked what we would be doing right now without cancer. And then he reminded me we would be getting ready for our race and planning our trip to Spain. Well that did it! I would be studying up on Europe! It was the only thing on my calendar for 2012. We bought the tickets partly just to have something on that calendar. That something to look forward to. They were for the end of May, and it just isn't going to work out with my treatments. I hadn't given myself time to grieve over the loss of that trip. I know that I will get over there again, and it will all work out, but tonight I'm letting myself feel bad about it.

Last night as I tucked Luke in he said (in his most sincere voice, with his most sincere eyes) "Mom, I'm sorry you have cancer and all that stuff." So am I baby boy, so am I.

ps

I am just finishing up a little valentine for Josh that I am putting on the blog late. I wrote it last Saturday. Make sure you scroll down and check it out. Josh rocks.